Review: Love At Gunpoint

Story: Love at Gunpoint

Author: roughhivge and elf_verl

Reviewer: browniesbantet

Title (5/5)

Oh I LOVE your title! It's interesting, unique and hell it was eye-catching for me :D It fits well with the 'mystery' tag in your fic. Minor correction: please lower case the 'At', you should not capitalized the first letter for words like 'at', 'to', 'and', etc' in the title.

Poster (2/5)

Since you did not have a poster or any images, I will evaluate this based on the neatness, font size and color and your paragraphs - but you won't get a perfect score though >_<

Okay, your paragraphs are neat, some are a bit longer than it should but I could still handle it - but seriously, you cannot make a super long paragraphs. Not all readers can handle long paragraph, it might confuse them and make them 'jump over' the words. For me, I set about 5 to 6 lines maximum.

I like how you separate the line for dialogues :D and how you set big spaces for each paragraphs. It helped a lot. Your font size and color are fine - as long as they do not make me dizzy. 

Description/Foreword (10/15)

Description. You description made me confused. I think we should simplify this a bit - your second sentence is too long. 

'This is a story revolving on two individuals who had had their lives shattered by a man's selfish action. It is not only about how they struggled, but also how a man's steadfastness/faithfulness/commitment (I found steadfastness is a bit difficult to understand) on his belief in love managed him to pull through and endure all the hardships life dealt upon him. Will he finally get his happily ever after or be forever content to love from a distance?'

Of course you did not have to follow exactly like that, you can add your own words. The point is to break down the second sentence.

Your 'PS' in the author note: 'even chapters are connected…' interest me. I wonder how your story would turn out later with this kind of concept.

Foreword. Your foreword is intriguing enough for me to go on and click 'next'. It is not the best, but it is enough. I love how you chose the words and the adjectives here. Good work :D

Plot (25/25)

Oh no what can I say about this… I rarely give a good score for plot, but you broke my wall just like that with only eight chapters. You're amazing and I humbly say that I learned so much from your story - it's inspiring me to write better!

Your idea of separating the plot into two - one in odd chapters and the other in even chapters - is great and I was really interested about it. First I thought that you would not be able to make it flowed neatly but no, I was dead wrong. The different plot did not bother me at all and the connection between the two was gradually becoming clear.

Your plot is original as I have not read anything like yours. I like how detailed you are in describing the events happening, even the small ones like when Shane sneaked up to drink Jonathan's whisky, or when Savannah pulled Jacques's hair like mad. 

Your story premise is very promising and you wrote them 'effortlessly', because all the events there happened very natural and realistic. I sensed the main conflict will happen soon as Jacques already met Emma. I expect a brilliant ending for your story :D 

Characters (13/15)

Each of your characters are really intriguing for me. From Luke to Savannah, they looked real. Their conversation occurred genuinely without any awkward moment nor my eyes twitching in annoyance. 

Luke and Jacques had some similarities - are they actually a same person? I love both of them; they were strong, cold but each had their soft side inside. Jacques seemed ignorant but that fitted him perfectly in the story. Kyuhyun's image also suited him very well.

Jonathan, William, Shane and Savannah - those supporting characters - looked good and they played the role well to enhance the story more. I like how clumsy Shane was, Ryeowook's image fitted him and he was just adorable with his pouts and whines. Jonathan, well, he was just being 'Heechul-ish' and I could imagine him nagging perfectly. 

For Emma, she only appeared twice and so I can't say much about her but you were doing a great job by making her blind. Rather than making her the usual nice-lady-who-cares-about-the-low-workers, she's blind and that's made her different. She seemed straight forward and had a lot of guts too. I don't know much about Eunjung so I can't say whether she fitted for the role or not.

Spelling/Grammar (19/20)

Oh no. I got absorbed too much in your plot, details and descriptions that I nearly forget to check on your grammar - how did you do that to me? 

Chapter 1

'He was held down firmly by the four men and any attempts he made to break free were met with failure.' 

Chapter 2

'As the man gasped in pain, Jacques picked the knife up and used the brunt (did you mean 'blunt? I looked up in the dictionary and the meaning of 'brunt' do not match with the sentence) end to knock him unconscious…'

'Heaving himself up onto his feet, he shot a challenging look around at (choose one, either 'around' or 'at' only) the men, daring them to get back…'

'He continued as the he placed the phone by his ear…'

'He rattled off a series of numbers as for the coordinates for the location as he maneuvered the truck smoothly into the flowing traffic…'

Chapter 3

'The neatly packed shelves had been toppled and tables were overturned with the floor littered with the various household necessities that the store usually stocked.'

That's quite a long sentence you have there. It is fine to have long sentence but you made it a bit messy. You should use comma in between those words there: 'The neatly packed shelves had been toppled and, tables were overturned with and the floor was littered with the various household…'

Again, a long sentence: 'Old man Wicks would be devastated and how was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods?'

It would be clearer if you separate it into two sentence: 'Old man Wicks would be devastated. and How was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods?'

'Old man Wicks would be devastated and how was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods? His thoughtlessness had caused the livelihood of an innocent party.'

The 'his' in the second sentence was referring to Luke but it could also be misinterpreted to be the Old man Wicks, because the previous sentence was talking about him. I suggest you use the name 'Luke' as the subject for the second sentence. 

Chapter 4

'He breezed by the fallen man and slung the battered bag casually over his shoulder, tossing the keys of the truck over his shoulder without even a backward glance.'

I found it strange for a sentence to have a phrase repeated. You could have changed one of them: 'He breezed by the fallen man and slung the battered bag casually over his shoulder, tossing the keys of the truck to his back without even sparing a glance.'  

It doesn't have to be exactly like that, of course. The idea is just to remove the repetition. 

'Startled, Shane's arms flailed around in the air as he tried to grab on to Jacques as he lost his balance and felt himself falling."

Again, a repetition. The second 'as' may also be referred to Jacques instead of Shane, so I suggest you change it: 'Started, Shane lost his balance and felt himself falling as he flailed his arms around, trying to grab on to Jacques.'

'Graves Greaves called after them as the duo made their way up the elegant mahogany made curved stairs that was were carefully oiled by the various servant.'

'Mrs Tillers already have had her hands full with the upcoming wedding…' 

Chapter 5

'The fact that his simple assignment had turned complicated was a hint at that it was simply an appetiser which fate had thrown for him.'

Chapter 7

'Biting their trembling lips, they hung their head down in shame as he continued to admonish them.'

'They were just children and they do did not deserve a tongue lashing for a harmless game of catch.'

You have a wide range of vocabularies! That really impressed me. Even though some were a bit difficult - I even had my dictionary ready. But I was learning so much new words :D

You only have minor mistakes and I think you just slipped your fingers in some of them. Your grammar is good and I love, really really love, on how you described things and situation. I appreciate much details that you offered and how you made all of the events and dialogues looked down-to-earth - those were the main reason why I got so absorbed in your story. 

Flow (5/5)

I like the flow and again, your story flow naturally, effortless - it's like, the events had to be there without you forcing anything. It hook me up. Perfect.

Overall Enjoyment (9/10)

I think you already know that I enjoyed your story so much LOL. One thing that bugged me was just the long paragraphs and the names. It took time to get used for the names while also picturing them as their assigned idols. But it's not like you have to change the name to their 'korean' - we're talking about my personal opinion here.

Overall, your story was great. And it deserves more views, really. 

TOTAL: 88/100

Congrats! If you find my reviews too harsh or made no sense, please PM me.

Review: What I Want To Do If I Have A Lover

Story: What I Want To Do If I Have A Lover

Author: earlyseven

Reviewer: browniesbantet

TITLE (2/5)

Your title is not bad, but it's not great either. It's a 'normal' title and I can't find it eye-catching for me when I first saw it. But I think it fits your story well.

The words 'to' and 'a' are not supposed to be capitalized in a title. 

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (5/10)

I appreciate your effort to find each picture of the characters, especially for the females - those picture fit perfectly. I personally do not like it when an author post a characters' list, because it's kind of ruining the surprise for me. But your list is okay, at least it's not revealing too much.

Your description is really short. It's not that every descriptions supposed to be long, but you can still expand it a little. You can give some quotes from the characters or a cut from one of the events in the chapters - put something that could gain attention from your readers, something that make your story different from the others'.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation check:

In Yoseob's character info, 'He is your besfriend's cousin. Yet treats her like a younger sister…' I think it will be better if you replace the full stop with a comma: 'He is your bestfriend's cousin, yet he treats her like a younger sister…' That's also applied for the next sentence '… he never dated a girl before. Neither fell in love with someone.' 

APPEARANCE (8/10)

Your front poster is nice, but I think you should emphasize the pictures of Yoseob and Mina more as they're the main characters. But the other posters are well-made.

The background is also good, even though it gradually became quite awkward to have Doojoon, Kikwang and Yoseob staring at me (>_<) - but no, I did not deduct your points because of this.

CHARACTERS (5/10)

You have many characters that popped out at the same time. I was confused at first - and you kept changing the POV which made me had to stop and re-read the chapters again. 

From what I saw, your characters fit for a story like this, simple romance and stuff. The main female character was a perfect girl - intelligent, all boys like her, beautiful, dazzling. And the main male character fell easily for the female character, in like, two chapters. Mina and Yoseob's personality were perfect for your story.

But then, looking at a bigger picture, their characters might become boring for other readers who had read fics often. They were the usual type of OC pairings. 

I'm not saying that the characters are bad - again, they fit your story well. However, you can try to give more special traits or twist for their personalities.

PLOT (6/10)

I can't say that your plot is unique, nor it was really logical. For a simple romance, fluff readers, your plot is fun and likeable. But for readers who want a deeper story, they might not like it. 

I read a lot of OC stories already and to be honest, I can't say that your plot is different. It started the same and ended up almost the same as other. How easy for Yoseob to love Mina at the start irked me a bit for I was hoping for a bit more development before reaching there. But then, a fast-paced is also good. 

You tried to dig up more in latter chapters and that was really nice. I hope you would give more twists in the future. 

ORIGINALITY (5/10)

I did not found any stories that exactly like yours - so you're not plagiarized anyone. Your idea was quite similar with some other OC stories out there. But your plot outcome is different. 

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/SPELLING (12/20)

Because your chapters are too much, I don't think I can pin point your mistakes one by one. I will tell you in general.

First is your tenses. You should decide which tense that you wanted to use - present or past tense? Cause you mixed them a lot. For example in chapter 1: 'I feel so tired' which is in present tense but in the next sentence you said 'I plugged in my earphones and started listening…' which is in past tense. I suggest you write in past tense because it's easier.

I noticed this mistake throughout your story: do not confused 'it's' with 'its'. 'it's' is used as a form of subject, which is also a contraction from 'it is', while 'its' is used to state an ownership of a subject. Confused? I'll give you a simple example.

"It's a cat who has lost its tail." As you see, the 'it's' refers to the cat, while the 'its' refers to the tail that the cat has.

I hope you understand my explanation :D

The 'I' is supposed to be capitalized all the time. There are several 'I's in your chapters that typed in lower case, although I think your hands were just slipped there. Check your chapters again. 

Wrong use of punctuation and capitalized words. I found this first in the chapter 1: 'Thank God I spotted one. a vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' Rather than separating them into two sentences, you can make it like this: 'Thank God I spotted one vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' Or if you insisted to make them into two: 'Thank God I spotted one. There was a vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' There are also several mistakes similar to this, look carefully for your uses of comma and full stop.

The apostrophe. I saw you always forget to put one in the word 'didn't', you made it as 'didnt' which was not very comfortable for me to see. Please put apostrophe for any contractions you made - check your chapters again.

Misspelling. 

There are two mistakes in chapter 1: 'disappered' = 'disappeared' and 'sit' = 'seat' - it's supposed to be noun, not a verb on that particular sentence.

Wait. I think it's better if you copy your work to ms. word and set the language to english. It will pin point the non-English words, and you can change them easier.

Your grammar and spelling are getting better in the latter chapters though :D 

FLOW (10/10)

It has a nice pace, I think. Not too fast but not too slow either - a normal pace. 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (4/10)

I will rely on my personal opinion on this one. To be very honest, it was hard to read all of your chapters. Some were confusing, especially the dialogues part. The grey color kept telling me that they were 'in-mind conversation' although they were not, so it was not comfortable to read. 

The earlier chapters of yours were not that interesting for me, so I struggled a lot to read passed there. But later on, it became more interesting although I should say, you already lost me in your earlier chapter. 

COMMENTS (5/5)

Your readers seemed to enjoy your story much. Perfect points.

TOTAL: 62/100

Secret Confession

I'll confess here. It's been piled up in my head these days and I'd be crazy if I don't let it out.

So the thing is, I've got a new addiction.

Not John Mayer, and not Kings of Convenience (I've past that stage *hufft*)

But these guys... Oh GOD I'm really ashamed to admit this.

I won't tell you the name, but I'm sure you know.

Key words are 'K' and 'pop' and 'super' and 'junior'


Now, don't look at me.
*backs off*



Don't look at me...
*starts to run*





DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!
*sprints off*

Useless Addiction

Oh nori,

Why are you so DELICIOUS?

I can't stop eating. This'll be my tenth sheets for today.

Can't Stop?

I can't stop myself from posting those conversations!

I'm sorry for the fluff spamming =__=

But I couldn't help myself!

Blame him for giving me those moments. And blame my hands who wrote it. I don't take any parts of it.

Anyway.

I'm really sorry *bow 90 degrees*

Alright then, I already apologized just now there, so I'll be posting more conversations!

HA!

>:)

Conversation. Again.

In my house.

(tried to be ignorant, but nervous) Remember about the brownies that I wanted to give you on Valentine's day?

(looked up) The brownies that supposed to be for both Valentine's and White Day which you haven't made it yet until this day? Yes, I remember.

(rolled eyes) Sarcasm.

(smirked) Thank you.

(glared) No brownies for you.

(stunned) What? No! Hey, did you really bake some for me?

(smiled in victory) Of course. I already promised, didn't I?

(smiled) Even though it's late by practically one month.

Shut up (walked to the kitchen) Here you go.

(jumped like a little kid, opening the plastic wrap around the box) Thanks.

(panic) You're going to eat them now?

(looked up) Yeah, can't I?

(nervous) It's not like you can't but, I don't know if it's taste good.

(confused) So?

(smiled) So I don't want to see your annoying, smirking face which always come up whenever you wanted to tease me.

(laughed) Wow, you read me well.

(pouted) Just try them at home, please?

(stunned) No way (smiled) don't worry, they definitely taste good.

(sighed) If you say so...

(ate one brownie) Hmm...

(panic) Is it good? (sighed) I knew it, it didn't come up well.

(laughed) I haven't said anything! It tastes good, really

(pouted) But...

(leaned closer) Wanna try? (shoved a brownie to his mouth)

(shook head) No, I already eat-...

(cupped my face, smiling)

(stunned) Somehow I have a bad feeling about this...

(smirked) Really? (kissed me on the lips, shoving the brownie from his mouth to mine)

After 20 seconds (backed off) You...

(smiled, leaning closer) So how does it taste?

(looked away, blushing) It's... good. I guess.

(pecked me on the cheek) Told you so.

Another conversation

In the car

(rustled around searching something) Where's the parking ticket?

(started to smile but hold it in) Dunno. Isn't that in your pocket?

Nah. Nothing's here.

Well (deep breath, trying to hold the smile) in your wallet?

I think I gave you the parking ticket earlier (eyed me suspiciously)

(face twisted in between smile and panic) Umm... no? You were the one that holding it.

(eyed my hands which holding my wallet) Then give me your wallet.

(giggled) No~

(smiled, starting to realize something) Just give me? Or I'll kissed you right here.

(stunned) No, you won't.

(smirked) Yes, I will (leaned closer, forehead knocking mine)

(still stunned) Uhh... (loosened the grip on the wallet)

(cupped my face, still smirking) Come on.. (took the wallet from my hands) Got it.

(snapped back) AH!

(pecked me on the lips) You're blushing.

(shocked) You....

(laughed wholeheartedly) Let's go home? (started the car engine)

(sighed) Geez, just you wait for my payback.

(smiled, pecked my cheek suddenly) I'll be waiting.