story: Without Hesitation
author: Tay123
reviewer: browniesbantet
Title (3/5)
Interesting title, if I could say; more because of its ambiguity and the lack of impression for me though. Usually I could guess the tone, theme or even the summary of the story from its title but yours was not that case. I could not predict anything; it was all blank. It did gave a bit of angst mood but judging on the description, one could assume that your story is a classic romance.
The relevance of the title to the plot-line in general is not that significant. The main female character did not look as if she was in a great hesitation of something, or maybe she did, if we talk about her stuttering and lack of courage to confess to Myungsoo. Overall the title is not expressing your story well enough nor an eye-candy for the readers, but that was my subjective opinion as I saw that you were still in the rising conflict right now in the plot-line - the relevance of your title might be found in the future chapters, which worth to be waiting for.
Foreword/Description (7/10)
Your description might be a huge turn off for those readers who are tired of a classic romance story. If I may explain, the term classic romance story here is just my own euphemism for 'cliche romance story' which involves a nerd and kingka, a social-recluse girl and a popular, girl-magnet boy. This kind of sentence: 'Though he doesn't really notice you exist…' is quite a transparent clue for that genre of story. But then I noticed that your style of description is different from those 'classics' - I need to avoid the word 'cliche' as much as possible. I still could not point out which aspect that yours is different but I just knew there is - maybe because of the lack of characters chart and excessive use of symbol and colors.
The opening of your foreword is good: a detailed description. What I like from that small paragraph is that you did not continuously repeat the word 'you' to begin a sentence, but instead using some conjunctions or dependent clause. It was certainly a good start, if we ignored some grammar here. The introduction of Myungsoo at the bottom was good; it was not the usual 'kingka's holy presence introduction' - that gave you plus points. His introduction looked real; it lacked engaging cliffhanger but then again, it is enough for the start.
Grammar check:
You've always hated this time of year; it was is too cold, and with such harsh weather provoked provokes the nostalgic flashbacks that you've always been known to abhor. I presume the words 'this time of year' make this sentence situated in present and thus I changed the verb into present form.
"How can anyone love this time of year?" you You repeatedly ask yourself while trudging through the furious white clumps of snow. You need to capitalize the first letter of the first word after the quotation mark which ended in either period, question mark or exclamation mark. Another suggestion, maybe you should separate the dialogue in a new line/paragraph just to make it neater.
"How can anyone love this school," you question questioned aloud… I assume that the question is already uttered so the verb 'question' is supposed to be in past form.
"Yah! Are you talking to yourself?!" one One of the boys ask asked with confidence in his raspy yet familiar voice. This is the same as above, and I think there are also more of this in your chapters. Please check them again.
"She was talking to me," came a voice from around the bushes. You forgot the comma inside the quotation marks.
Appearance (8/10)
Your poster is quite simple and again, it did not give me anything to guess your story's plot at all, and that was making me curious - some people might found it too plain though, so be careful. The font and the paragraphs were fine for me as I read. It was just on the eight chapter, the font size suddenly became smaller and as a poor glasses girl, I demand it to be increased again :)
Characters (7/10)
It was hard to determine the main female character's characters/personality. I rarely read 'you' fics and I never thought that the lack of her name would bug me a lot - but it was, and it surprised me actually. The blank line was not that comfortable to read but considering that this thing is common in other 'you' fics, I guess I should let it go - I still demand for her name though. From the time being, let's just call her 'Chick', shall we?
Chick's characters were unpredictable to me - in between negative and positive way. In the first chapter, one could easily say that she is clumsy, has unnaturally bad luck, shy and quite a nerd. However as the story progressed and the tutor session began, she was unexpectedly became one of those cute girls who loves to giggle, a lot. I could not tell whether that was a develop in her characters or you just made her inconsistent. Looking at Myungsoo's sudden closeness to her, one could also see that he made her confidence rose up and with there were no one beside them in the tutor session, it made sense that her personality changed a bit in and after the tutor. Similar with the title, Chick's characters were blank to me - I could not grasp her. It seemed like she was hanging there in the plot with her personality and mood changed within each chapters. It was until the later chapters that I could barely found a click for her character - some were still blank though, but there was an improvement.
Myungsoo's characters were amusing, really. He was quite ignorant along with his innocence which caused his words flowed harshly towards Chick's feeling even though the male did not have any ill intentions. You made his character a human; he has his flaws and his love at first sight was not directed to Chick, who is the main female character, but instead to Suzy who is her rival/best friend.
Woohyun and Suzy were the usual characters who played the familiar roles in other same-genre stories. Woohyun gave some clues about him being a hero for Chick who was being rejected, and might become her boyfriend later? His stutters and timid acts towards her were cute to read, though. Suzy played the 'bitch' and yes she did that role very well; I could find myself hate her.
Plot (8/10)
I will just point out the things that I noticed the most from your plot:
1. Tutoring session is a very popular thing to get the female character and the male closer. It made a good start point but excessively used until I reached the point that it was not even real anymore.
2. Mitten was such a cute cat - hell, I want a pet who could answer my questions.
3. Friend-zoned existed in the world of fanfics, and was reversed; the female is the one that gets it. It was very interesting on how you chose that for a conflict. After a happy mood with a happy expectation for Chick and Myungsoo to be together, you just had to bring it down and smashed them into a puddle when Suzy came. To make it worse, it had to be Myungsoo who fell in love with Suzy first, and even asked Chick for advices. Plot twist is such a bliss.
Overall your plot is not bad, but I think it is still lacking something, especially for the opening. But the conflict, which just started, is promising and I sincerely hope that the ending would be unexpected and satisfying.
Originality (7/10)
The idea of tutoring session as a rift to connect the couple is not that original since I had seen it in some stories; the betrayal of the best friend who competes with the main female character for a guy is not new either. One thing that I noticed the most when I read your writings is the idea of friend-zoned by Myungsoo who is the main male character. I did expect that he would fall with Chick and they would live happily ever after, leaving Suzy just as one addition character who would support those two. The twist which exceeding my expectation is the one that gave you points for the originality - and one for the plot score also.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling (16/20)
I noticed that you keep changing the tenses from present to past tense. I will fix it to past tense as I feel that it is easier. Some sentences still need to be written in present tense too, though - which mainly about 'information' sentence not the 'action' ones. I will not correct all of them cause it might take long spaces; you can find a beta-reader for this.
I noticed that the main female character does not have a name. This is only my personal opinion but I will say it nevertheless: it was not comfortable and a bit weird to see her name as '_____-ah' all the time. You should give her a proper name; just snatch any korean girl name in google.
Chapter 1:
All of the boys boys' (to state the possession of the plural subject, just add the apostrophe after the 's') heads jolted in your direction for confirmation to Myungsoo's comment but you where were still focused focusing on his abrupt entrance. I think you slipped your fingers there while typing the 'where', and mistaken it as a 'were'. The verb after the to be 'was/were' in this context is supposed to be in the continuous form which needs to be added an 'ing'.
"O-Oh, yeah right, I was talking to Myungsoo." you You announance announced. 'announance' is not an English word; it does not exist in the dictionary so I changed it into announced which similar.
The boys seemed to be satisfied with your answer and took it as their queue cue to leave. I checked in the meaning of 'queue' in the dictionary and it was a 'lineup of things/people' which is obviously not suitable for that sentence. I assume you had mistaken it as 'cue' which means 'to start'.
You also began to strut ahead leaving Myungsoo behind. As he notices he attempts to speed up to you and spark a conversation. The placement of period there is not quite proper. If I could suggest, you should change the sentence to this:
You also began to strut ahead leaving Myungsoo behind which being noticed by Myungso as he sped up to you and tried to spark a conversation.
You tried to stroll past Myungsoo's crew without glancing over, but you found the task was too hard to begin as you began to look over your shoulder, only to notice how happy he seemed.
You used to have Suzy, your best friend, until she had to move due to her fathers father's new job. To state the possession of a subject, do not forget to add the apostrophe before the 's' or it would seem like you were referring the 'father' as a plural subject.
Even though she worked at the coffee shop that was just around the corner from where you lived, you could tell that you're your relationship with her wasn't the same anymore. There is a big difference between 'you're' and 'your'. The first one is a 'subject + to be' while the other is a possessive adjective which to state one's possession. Basing on the context of the sentence above, you were referring to the relationship between 'you' and 'Suzy' which supposed to use 'your'.
20 minutes in passed and you were done with the entire thing. I'm not sure about this but I remembered my English teacher once said that you cannot start a sentence using number(s). You need to change into 'twenty minutes'.
You were woken up by an irratating irritating poke at your shoulder. As you slowly lifted your drozy drowzy head to see who dared to interrupt your slumber, you were welcomed by Mrs. Heechul's excited face. In the same meaning with 'awakened', the word 'woken/wake' has to be followed by 'up'. There are also some misspellings.
"You've just managed to invite one of the schools' coolest guys to where? YOUR HOUSE!! …" Again, the difference between 'you're' and 'your', also adding 's' to state one's possession.
Chapter 2:
As you began to plan the activities for you and Myungsoo's 'tutoring session' you decided that it would be best to create a list of 2-3 things for you guys to study on.
Eventually, you'd come to the conclusion that in order to help Myungsoo with his scores, he'd need to come in for tutoring at least once a week for the next card marking. I rarely use this 'subject+'d' so I might be wrong, but I do not think that the use of 'you'd' there are correct; cause it felt strange when I read it.
Eventually, you came to the conclusion that in order to help Myungsoo with his scores, he'd need to come in for tutoring at least once a week for the next card marking/test (just to make it simpler; it is not necessarily wrong though)
"Crap!" You exclaimed, "I should've never agreed to this! I can't see him that freaking often, I'll DIE!" You fell back onto your collection of stuffed animals and squeezed one of them tightly as you contemplated on how you were going to help Myungsoo with his English scores.
Your cat, Mittens, (you need to put commas for this to let the readers know that 'Mittens' is the cat's name) purred and wrapped her small body around your leg, (also a comma for this) reminding you to keep calm.
With another one of Mittens' (for a subject's name which ends in the letter 's', simply put an apostrophe after it to state its possession) rough meows, you remembered that you needed to start cleaning up.
"Right," you sighed, "cleaning; the most important part." After grabbing all of your most important cleaning tools, you began to throughly cleaned each and every room in your house. Notice the repeated words 'important part' there. They are not necessarily wrong, but redundant words should better be avoided. You can change the second 'most important' to 'necessary cleaning tools' which means just the same.
Eventually, you're your brother got accepted into one of Korea's most prestigious universities to became a lawyer and you decided to stay at your home.
Please use 'your' to state one's possession(s) and you do not need to capitalized the 'u' in 'universities'.
But until then you decided that you'd rather stay in Korea with your aqquaintances acquaintances then than to move moved back to the States, which were was filled with strangers. Some writers tend to mix 'then' with 'than' which each had particularly different meanings. The word 'then' has the similar meaning with 'next' which usually used as the conjunction to state a following scene/thing from the previous one. For example: I need to get my hair done, then proceed with my make up. On the contrary, 'than' is used to compare two or more things. For example: I'd rather dance with you than talk with you. I hope you are not confused with my explanation.
I assume that you were referring to 'United States' there with the word 'states' so I found a need to capitalized it, and since it is counted as one country so I changed the 'were' to 'was'.
Chapter 3:
Punctuation alert: As the sun slipped its way through your curtains and hugged your curves, you were reminded that today was going to be different.
You rolled out of the sun's glare and attempted to get a few more minutes of sleep.
So many things were running through your head: what to wear, how'd/how would you respond when you first saw Myungsoo, how'd/how would he respond when he first saw you, and what his type of girl was.
Redundant words: As the sun slipped its way…
As you slowly rose up from your bed…
As you straightened your last strand of hair…
You can change the 'as' with other conjunctions which could act as the opening as well. Give more variety in your vocabularies and how you start your sentences. Examples for the conjunctions that you can use: while, before, after, when.
You began to smile brightly as she jumped off the sinks (she got more than one sink?) and dashed out into the living room; you couldn't help to but wonder whether or not Myungsoo likes cats or not.
"Crap," you slowly whispered as you put your straightner straightener on your sink, "he's here." You jetted toward the front door and attempted to cough up all of the ugly ugliness (the word 'ugly' is an adjective while what you need there is a noun so I changed it into 'ugliness' which is a noun) out of your voice.
"H-Hello?" You said behind your weak door. What do you mean by 'weak door'? Is it made with thin material or is it on the verge of breaking? Please elaborate more on this.
"So.." you begin, "all I need you to do is just start writing your essay. All I'll need is about a good three paragraphs to see what you really need to work on." I found these sentences were confusing, especially with the repetition of words 'need' and 'all'. Maybe you can change them a bit:
"Well," you began, "you need to start writing three-paragraphs essay so I could see what you need to work on."
"Okay," he replied as he began to crack his nuckles knuckles, "I can do that."
"Oh well, I guess I got nervous." He chuckled as he sratching scratching his head. You always love it when he did that.
He placed his palms you the table and slowly mouthed all of the things that were written on his paper. I did not get the 'he placed his palms you table". Was he placed them on 'your' back/body/arm/shoulders or on 'your' table?
You realized that he was talking to you and you snapped back to reality. If you did not add 'you' here, it would look like it was Myungsoo who snapped back to reality instead of 'you'.
"Uhh, how 'bout we take a break and eat some ramen?" You asked.
"Oh thank god! I thought you'd never ask," he replied, "come on, let's eat." He cheerfully announced as he grabbed your hand and dragged you over to your kitchen.
"Oh, sorry. I guess its it's easier to say. It just kind of rolled off the tongue, ya know?" You chuckled at your own comment until you realized how serious Myungsoo was, "look, I didn't mean to offend you. I won't say it anymore if its it's a problem." The same with 'your' and 'you're', the words 'its' and 'it's' are different. In the context of sentence above, you need to use 'it's' as you were referring to the subject, not to state one's possession.
"I don't know. It sounds a lot cuter when a girl says it, I guess." You blushed and pulled a piece of your hear hair back behind your ear. He His lips began to curl up into an evil grin as you he stared at you intently.
You softly closed your door and leaned aganist against it as you scooped Mittens up into a breath taking breathtaking hug.
Chapter 5:
"Shut up! Look _____ah, I could really use your help here. I know your you're busy with your school, but I don't know how long I can do this on my own…"
"So, how'd that waitress set her hair on fire?" You asked, tryiing trying to change the subject.
In the two months that had pasted passed, you felt lighter, happier, whole.
"So, if the answer isn't Bor B or D, is it A?" Myungsoo asked as he tilted his head to the side.
Chapter 6:
It was something that he did from time to time whenever he felt it was too dark out outside. With it just being you and him, you took it as your opportunity to take things to the next level. Even though you'd never confessed how you felt to a boy before, you figured that you would act out like what you've seen on TV.
"Who is what?!" You impatiently yelled. He twisted his head towards your you and signaled for you to keep your voice down.
Chapter 7:
If you even had a shot of showing him how you really felt. This is a dependent clause and thus you need to clarify it more because as it is right now, the sentence seems hanging and unfinished. I tried to connect it with the previous and next sentences but it does not seem fit, so I apologize that I cannot fix this.
"Well she's a cutie Myungsoo, where'd you find her?" Sunjong kindly asked while rubbing your head.
"Well… I like her, can we keep her?" Sunjong asked.
I think his name supposed to be Sungjong; guess you just slipped your fingers when typing those.
Chapter 8:
Though his sent scent remained, you knew too well that he wouldn't be back for a while. The word 'scent' there is just my guess because 'his sent remained' were not making sense to me so I thought you just missed a 'c' there.
In the halls, on the street, and at the cafe, you made an a continuous effort to avoid him at all cost. Use 'an' when the first letter of the object is pronounced as the vowel. The letter 'c' is a consonant so you need to use 'a'.
It had been two weeks since you and Myungsoo talked. I assume that you wanted to express that they had not talk since a long time, however your sentence there could also be seen as they had talked for two weeks, which give you the opposite effect. I suggest you put the word 'last' before the 'talked', just to clarify things for the readers.
At that point, you could care less about Myungsoo, Suzy, or even living.
When he noticed that you were not attempting to take his gift, he took your old binder and put the new one in your arms.
"I didn't know you too your education so seriously ____ah. Geez." (I did not understand this sentence, especially the 'didn't know you too your education'; I think you forgot a verb in between those words) He began to laugh at his own joke as he released you from your hug (it felt weird for him to release 'you' from 'your hug'; I think it supposed be 'him' that being released from 'your hug'?)
Flow (6/10)
The first four-five chapters flowed really slow for me, even though I knew that you did not have any intention to drag things; you just wanted to explain and get the readers into the mood properly. Even though later chapters when Suzy made her appearance were being paced up nicely, it worries me that there might be some readers who would leave your story after three or four chapters because they do not see any interesting conflict yet.
Overal Enjoyment (6/10)
To be very honest, your idea of plot is not my favorite and I'm really sorry to say that I struggled/forced myself to read yours until the end - this is just my personal opinion, I hope you won't take this to heart. But I do enjoyed the twist and the angst mood on the latest chapter; you wrote it very well.
Comments (5/5)
You have a reader who reviewed your story in the comment - that gave me a wonderful shock. I think that proves on how the readers care for your story and yes, I gave you perfect points for that.
TOTAL 73/100
