Guilty

Dear someone,

You're sparkling, do you know that? Not in an Edward Cullen nasty sparkles/glitters way, but you're just sparkling there, running, smiling and shining.

Why don't you realize that? There are so many people who dying to claim that light, your light.

Even if you aim those lights towards me only, even if you show that only for my sake, but those people would be lingered around there, waiting for the tiny chance to slip in between.

And slipped, they did.

And shut, my mouth did.

But you refused them, even when they showed up with the most romantic and heart-melt and honest letter, you kept persisting to save your lights for me.

And fell, their hearts felt.

And guilt, my heart felt.

Ignore This

Review: Is it Wrong to be Ugly?

Story: Is it Wrong to be Ugly?

Author: Hyuklicious

Reviewer: browniesbantet

Title (3/5)

I'm not going to say that your title is cliché, but it's just the idea which being portrayed by your title seems like a 'classic' romance story - an ugly, unattractive girl finally dated a super handsome boy and then suddenly she became beautiful and yeah something around that line. Even though your plot might not be as plain as that, but your title gives out that kind of vibe, so to be honest it did not catch my attention too much. But then, the readers who love those kind of 'classic' story that I mentioned above, might find yours interesting and click it. 

Grammar check: Please capitalized the word 'it' :D

Foreword/Description (6/10)

Somehow it irks me whenever I see the 'Meet _____, a ____ girl/boy…' thing, because it has been used and abused too much in many stories. I'm not saying that using this kind of opening is bad; It is very attractive and effective actually, but seeing it over and over again made me a bit tired. However for the readers who rarely see this kind of opening, of course they won't mind it.

Your description seems like a cinderella story to me - not in negative way. But well, it's a good start. I like your quote: 'It's sad to live in a world where appearance means more than personality.' Honestly speaking, that quote is enough to be your description without those character introduction because personally I like short and mysterious one better as they perk up my curiosity and urge me right away to click 'next'.

Grammar check: 

'She suffers from low self-esteem, and she has been bullied in all her life.'

'Her parents are too busy with work, and favour her two exceptionally skinny sisters more over her.'

'But no. They were the worst.' It would be better if you do not separated this sentence with the previous one: 'You might think that her sisters would be the ones that who (refrain from using 'that' too much as conjunction, especially since you already had one before this in the same sentence) would stand by her side (just to make things clearer), but no. They were the worst.'

'They beat her up everyday and force her to do chores.'

'Minhae will cry everyday, and there is no one who can comfort her. One day, she can not take it anymore and decides to end her life. Anyway Because either way, there is no one that who cares about her.' Please stick to the tenses. Your first tense is in present tense so do not use past tense after that. I suggest you use past tense because it is easier.

Appearance (7/10)

Your poster is fine, I guess. It fits the story well. One thing that bothered me is Sungyeol's picture which is on the bottom right side - wait, is that Sungyeol? I'm sorry, I don't know much about Infinite. His head's color looks really light and it contrasts the others'.

Your moustaches background looks hilarious to me, even though I could not find the correlation of those fluffy, colorful moustaches with your story; or maybe those are not moustaches? - I could not think of anything else.

Characters (3/10)

Your characters were not interest me that much as I've seen those often in other stories. Minhae's personality which being portrayed in her inner-mind-conversation was depressing at first and it annoyed me, but eventually she became strong. My eyes twitched after I read her idea of suicide - it was too easy, too common and yes, cliche, again. I had grown to like her when she stood up to Infinite and spat back to their insult but that kind of character was not something new. 

Woohyun was your typical hero handsome guy. He saved Minhae in the very precise time before she jumped off, which was great, of course, because no one died. His thoughts in chapter 4 were really hilarious - I'm sorry, it is in a negative way. One good thing about him was just he would not end up with Minhae in the end as you said in the author's note.

The only characters I loved in your story were Myungsoo and Sungyeol. They were so fun to read even though they only appeared once. I hope you would develop your characters more - think differently. 

Plot (4/10)

I still can't say much about the plot because your story was just starting. But judging from the first three chapters, your plot was, well - how do I say this - it's too normal, common and eventually irritated me because I have seen this kind of storyline a lot, which to be very honest, it was very unpleasant for me to read. Especially for the first and second chapters where Minhae complained about her life, how she was bullied by her classmates and how Woohyun wanted to save her… they were too cliche - I don't want to use this word but nothing fits better than this, I'm sorry. 

But then, you mentioned in the foreword that your story would be different and I'm still hanging to that promise. The tags 'myungyeol' actually attracted me and also your author's note at the fourth chapter which stated that Woohyun will not end up with Minhae was giving me hope. 

Your story had potential to be better even though the premise was too ordinary. You can still expand the plot wider on later chapters, add some twists and surprises; but for now, this is your score. 

Originality (2/10)

I read a lot of story which started with the same events and scenes as yours - bullied, suicide, saved by a handsome guy. I hope you would add more originality on your upcoming chapters - which is very likely as you already said that Woohyun would not end up with Minhae; that would make your story different.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling (10/20)

Chapter 1:

"… Do this math assignment by today or I will beat you up!" One of the queenkas, Jessica shoved the piece of paper into my face.' Make sure to capitalized the first letter after the quotation marks or ** signs with full stop/question mark/exclamation mark. You repeated these kind of mistakes along the chapters, please run through them again.

'My life was just a pathetic cycle.' Stick to one point of view. If you are using 'my' then you should use the subject 'I' throughout the story. But I spotted that you also using 'you' as the subject for the next sentence: 'Tears started to well up your eyes as you thought of how miserable your life was.'

You used the subject 'you' more in the chapter so I think you should stick to it. If you insist to use 'I' in some sentence then you could make it like an inner-mind-conversation, such as: '*I wonder why I'm still alive sometimes,* you thought.'

'My Your life is just a pathetic cycle: woke up, got scolded by Minjung and Miyoung, went to school, got teased at bullied by classmates, reached home and be received more abused abuses.'

'Tears started to well up in your eyes as you thought of how miserable your life was.'

'"Class, stand up! (to make things clearer)" The chairperson (isn't it supposed to be a class captain? Correct me if I'm wrong) interrupted your thoughts.

*At least I started today with something nice.* You thought, but not for long though.

'"Oh my gosh, look at her fats! They look like they have been compressed, poor thing!"' Someone laughed out loud.

'They were all giving you a smile that looks demeaning, except for one who you don't recognize.'

'He was instead giving you a pitiful look instead and his eyes were filed with sympathy.'

*Wow, kingkas are giving me attention on the day I'll die.'

"Why, even if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't pick you… Just because you are handsome and popular don't make you more superior than others. You are just a pathetic, attention-seeking assholes who pick on people weaker than you. You do know that you are a bunch of cowards right…' The 'you' were referring to all of the Infinite right? So it's not a singular subject.

'Everyone who heard of what you said, gasped.'

'"She can't be considered as a girl, more like a talking pig.'

'You Your wish are is about to be granted, mister. you wish mister'  

'As you was walked home, you started to reflect on what you did in your life…'

The only thing you would miss when you leave this cruel and horrible place was your cat, Meinu - which is means pretty in Chinese.

'And the weird thing was, she just appeared on your doorstep one day when you were going arrived at home.'

'Oh my gosh her face looked so pale and she looked like she was going to die. Was it because of what hyung said? That stupid insensitive hyung! TT' Avoid using emoticon to describe things - it would seem like your writings are not 'professional'. You should describe it with words instead, except for your author's note of course ^^

'I couldn't cheer her up myself too, the cat was not enough to cheer her up!"

Chapter 2:

'You were relieved that you did not get caught by the 'stalker'.'

'"Hey Meinu," you whispered, questioning your own sanity: Why on earth am I talking to a car who wouldn't reply me back?'

'… I don't want to end up with the same size as you, you know?"'

'You could hear the smirk on her lips…' I don't think you can 'hear' the smirk. Isn't it supposed to be 'see'?

'When you reached the rooftop, you took steady steps towards the ledge (I think what you meant there is 'edge'), and stood on top of it.'

Chapter 3:

'Trust me, hyung is actually really nice. He just acts like he's a mean person (to make things clearer or you can use: He just acts mean/cruel/spiteful so people…) so people won't bother him that much!"'

'Gosh, many girls love his eyes because apparently that is what makes him different from others.'

'*Woohyun is such a chatterbox unlike other kingkas! So unlike other kingkas. (to make your sentence more effective or if you insist to make it as two sentence: Woohyun is such a chatterbox! He is so different from other kingkas.)

'*What did he mean… that he used to be fat and ugly too… like me?*'

'And he's sucha such a pussy, he cried because I called him a big fat chicken head!'

'"… for that, you have to wait until another day! I will tell you then? Don't kill yourself alright!'

He smile as he ruffled my you head, and walked off without telling you the rest. 

'Why couldn't he tell me the rest? So, he's he was (he was ugly in the 'past', right? So use a past tense instead) exactly like me? Interesting.*'

'No! He looked like a dino, even though he was friendly, he might scare Minhae off!

'Nah, he probably would ask her to dance so that she would lose weight.'

'Minhae might be rubbed off by his girlish-ness and turned too girly!'

'Hmm… that leaved me Myungsoo and Sungyeol! They were friendly, maybe a little playful, but good enough!'

'And an extra plus… they could sympathize with her.'

'Her blunt, sharp words might cup people's hearts, yet she built me up.'

'Aah, it still hurt to think back again.'

Your problems lingered more in subject-verb agreement, capitalized words, inconsistent tenses, lack of vocabularies and some punctuations errors. Please re-check your chapters again :D

Flow (8/10)

I did not have any problems with the flow. It's quite fast-paced and I liked it. 

Overall Enjoyment (2/10)

I will be very very honest in this part because it involves my personal opinion. I did not enjoy your story that much - more because of your plot and writing style which are not to my liking. It's not like I hate 'classic' romance; I've read those which practically had the same ideas but I could still enjoy some of them because they had one particular thing that made each stories different and special. But I did not find it in your story yet.

I guess your story would have its interesting part after chapter 4, so I suggest you cut the earlier chapters because those are the 'cliché' scenes - and I already lost interest after second chapter. But then it's just my own opinion, I still hope that you would expand more of your plot though.

Comments (5/5)

The readers seemed to like your story. Perfect score.

TOTAL: 50/100

Review: Love At Gunpoint

Story: Love at Gunpoint

Author: roughhivge and elf_verl

Reviewer: browniesbantet

Title (5/5)

Oh I LOVE your title! It's interesting, unique and hell it was eye-catching for me :D It fits well with the 'mystery' tag in your fic. Minor correction: please lower case the 'At', you should not capitalized the first letter for words like 'at', 'to', 'and', etc' in the title.

Poster (2/5)

Since you did not have a poster or any images, I will evaluate this based on the neatness, font size and color and your paragraphs - but you won't get a perfect score though >_<

Okay, your paragraphs are neat, some are a bit longer than it should but I could still handle it - but seriously, you cannot make a super long paragraphs. Not all readers can handle long paragraph, it might confuse them and make them 'jump over' the words. For me, I set about 5 to 6 lines maximum.

I like how you separate the line for dialogues :D and how you set big spaces for each paragraphs. It helped a lot. Your font size and color are fine - as long as they do not make me dizzy. 

Description/Foreword (10/15)

Description. You description made me confused. I think we should simplify this a bit - your second sentence is too long. 

'This is a story revolving on two individuals who had had their lives shattered by a man's selfish action. It is not only about how they struggled, but also how a man's steadfastness/faithfulness/commitment (I found steadfastness is a bit difficult to understand) on his belief in love managed him to pull through and endure all the hardships life dealt upon him. Will he finally get his happily ever after or be forever content to love from a distance?'

Of course you did not have to follow exactly like that, you can add your own words. The point is to break down the second sentence.

Your 'PS' in the author note: 'even chapters are connected…' interest me. I wonder how your story would turn out later with this kind of concept.

Foreword. Your foreword is intriguing enough for me to go on and click 'next'. It is not the best, but it is enough. I love how you chose the words and the adjectives here. Good work :D

Plot (25/25)

Oh no what can I say about this… I rarely give a good score for plot, but you broke my wall just like that with only eight chapters. You're amazing and I humbly say that I learned so much from your story - it's inspiring me to write better!

Your idea of separating the plot into two - one in odd chapters and the other in even chapters - is great and I was really interested about it. First I thought that you would not be able to make it flowed neatly but no, I was dead wrong. The different plot did not bother me at all and the connection between the two was gradually becoming clear.

Your plot is original as I have not read anything like yours. I like how detailed you are in describing the events happening, even the small ones like when Shane sneaked up to drink Jonathan's whisky, or when Savannah pulled Jacques's hair like mad. 

Your story premise is very promising and you wrote them 'effortlessly', because all the events there happened very natural and realistic. I sensed the main conflict will happen soon as Jacques already met Emma. I expect a brilliant ending for your story :D 

Characters (13/15)

Each of your characters are really intriguing for me. From Luke to Savannah, they looked real. Their conversation occurred genuinely without any awkward moment nor my eyes twitching in annoyance. 

Luke and Jacques had some similarities - are they actually a same person? I love both of them; they were strong, cold but each had their soft side inside. Jacques seemed ignorant but that fitted him perfectly in the story. Kyuhyun's image also suited him very well.

Jonathan, William, Shane and Savannah - those supporting characters - looked good and they played the role well to enhance the story more. I like how clumsy Shane was, Ryeowook's image fitted him and he was just adorable with his pouts and whines. Jonathan, well, he was just being 'Heechul-ish' and I could imagine him nagging perfectly. 

For Emma, she only appeared twice and so I can't say much about her but you were doing a great job by making her blind. Rather than making her the usual nice-lady-who-cares-about-the-low-workers, she's blind and that's made her different. She seemed straight forward and had a lot of guts too. I don't know much about Eunjung so I can't say whether she fitted for the role or not.

Spelling/Grammar (19/20)

Oh no. I got absorbed too much in your plot, details and descriptions that I nearly forget to check on your grammar - how did you do that to me? 

Chapter 1

'He was held down firmly by the four men and any attempts he made to break free were met with failure.' 

Chapter 2

'As the man gasped in pain, Jacques picked the knife up and used the brunt (did you mean 'blunt? I looked up in the dictionary and the meaning of 'brunt' do not match with the sentence) end to knock him unconscious…'

'Heaving himself up onto his feet, he shot a challenging look around at (choose one, either 'around' or 'at' only) the men, daring them to get back…'

'He continued as the he placed the phone by his ear…'

'He rattled off a series of numbers as for the coordinates for the location as he maneuvered the truck smoothly into the flowing traffic…'

Chapter 3

'The neatly packed shelves had been toppled and tables were overturned with the floor littered with the various household necessities that the store usually stocked.'

That's quite a long sentence you have there. It is fine to have long sentence but you made it a bit messy. You should use comma in between those words there: 'The neatly packed shelves had been toppled and, tables were overturned with and the floor was littered with the various household…'

Again, a long sentence: 'Old man Wicks would be devastated and how was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods?'

It would be clearer if you separate it into two sentence: 'Old man Wicks would be devastated. and How was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods?'

'Old man Wicks would be devastated and how was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods? His thoughtlessness had caused the livelihood of an innocent party.'

The 'his' in the second sentence was referring to Luke but it could also be misinterpreted to be the Old man Wicks, because the previous sentence was talking about him. I suggest you use the name 'Luke' as the subject for the second sentence. 

Chapter 4

'He breezed by the fallen man and slung the battered bag casually over his shoulder, tossing the keys of the truck over his shoulder without even a backward glance.'

I found it strange for a sentence to have a phrase repeated. You could have changed one of them: 'He breezed by the fallen man and slung the battered bag casually over his shoulder, tossing the keys of the truck to his back without even sparing a glance.'  

It doesn't have to be exactly like that, of course. The idea is just to remove the repetition. 

'Startled, Shane's arms flailed around in the air as he tried to grab on to Jacques as he lost his balance and felt himself falling."

Again, a repetition. The second 'as' may also be referred to Jacques instead of Shane, so I suggest you change it: 'Started, Shane lost his balance and felt himself falling as he flailed his arms around, trying to grab on to Jacques.'

'Graves Greaves called after them as the duo made their way up the elegant mahogany made curved stairs that was were carefully oiled by the various servant.'

'Mrs Tillers already have had her hands full with the upcoming wedding…' 

Chapter 5

'The fact that his simple assignment had turned complicated was a hint at that it was simply an appetiser which fate had thrown for him.'

Chapter 7

'Biting their trembling lips, they hung their head down in shame as he continued to admonish them.'

'They were just children and they do did not deserve a tongue lashing for a harmless game of catch.'

You have a wide range of vocabularies! That really impressed me. Even though some were a bit difficult - I even had my dictionary ready. But I was learning so much new words :D

You only have minor mistakes and I think you just slipped your fingers in some of them. Your grammar is good and I love, really really love, on how you described things and situation. I appreciate much details that you offered and how you made all of the events and dialogues looked down-to-earth - those were the main reason why I got so absorbed in your story. 

Flow (5/5)

I like the flow and again, your story flow naturally, effortless - it's like, the events had to be there without you forcing anything. It hook me up. Perfect.

Overall Enjoyment (9/10)

I think you already know that I enjoyed your story so much LOL. One thing that bugged me was just the long paragraphs and the names. It took time to get used for the names while also picturing them as their assigned idols. But it's not like you have to change the name to their 'korean' - we're talking about my personal opinion here.

Overall, your story was great. And it deserves more views, really. 

TOTAL: 88/100

Congrats! If you find my reviews too harsh or made no sense, please PM me.

Review: What I Want To Do If I Have A Lover

Story: What I Want To Do If I Have A Lover

Author: earlyseven

Reviewer: browniesbantet

TITLE (2/5)

Your title is not bad, but it's not great either. It's a 'normal' title and I can't find it eye-catching for me when I first saw it. But I think it fits your story well.

The words 'to' and 'a' are not supposed to be capitalized in a title. 

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (5/10)

I appreciate your effort to find each picture of the characters, especially for the females - those picture fit perfectly. I personally do not like it when an author post a characters' list, because it's kind of ruining the surprise for me. But your list is okay, at least it's not revealing too much.

Your description is really short. It's not that every descriptions supposed to be long, but you can still expand it a little. You can give some quotes from the characters or a cut from one of the events in the chapters - put something that could gain attention from your readers, something that make your story different from the others'.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation check:

In Yoseob's character info, 'He is your besfriend's cousin. Yet treats her like a younger sister…' I think it will be better if you replace the full stop with a comma: 'He is your bestfriend's cousin, yet he treats her like a younger sister…' That's also applied for the next sentence '… he never dated a girl before. Neither fell in love with someone.' 

APPEARANCE (8/10)

Your front poster is nice, but I think you should emphasize the pictures of Yoseob and Mina more as they're the main characters. But the other posters are well-made.

The background is also good, even though it gradually became quite awkward to have Doojoon, Kikwang and Yoseob staring at me (>_<) - but no, I did not deduct your points because of this.

CHARACTERS (5/10)

You have many characters that popped out at the same time. I was confused at first - and you kept changing the POV which made me had to stop and re-read the chapters again. 

From what I saw, your characters fit for a story like this, simple romance and stuff. The main female character was a perfect girl - intelligent, all boys like her, beautiful, dazzling. And the main male character fell easily for the female character, in like, two chapters. Mina and Yoseob's personality were perfect for your story.

But then, looking at a bigger picture, their characters might become boring for other readers who had read fics often. They were the usual type of OC pairings. 

I'm not saying that the characters are bad - again, they fit your story well. However, you can try to give more special traits or twist for their personalities.

PLOT (6/10)

I can't say that your plot is unique, nor it was really logical. For a simple romance, fluff readers, your plot is fun and likeable. But for readers who want a deeper story, they might not like it. 

I read a lot of OC stories already and to be honest, I can't say that your plot is different. It started the same and ended up almost the same as other. How easy for Yoseob to love Mina at the start irked me a bit for I was hoping for a bit more development before reaching there. But then, a fast-paced is also good. 

You tried to dig up more in latter chapters and that was really nice. I hope you would give more twists in the future. 

ORIGINALITY (5/10)

I did not found any stories that exactly like yours - so you're not plagiarized anyone. Your idea was quite similar with some other OC stories out there. But your plot outcome is different. 

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/SPELLING (12/20)

Because your chapters are too much, I don't think I can pin point your mistakes one by one. I will tell you in general.

First is your tenses. You should decide which tense that you wanted to use - present or past tense? Cause you mixed them a lot. For example in chapter 1: 'I feel so tired' which is in present tense but in the next sentence you said 'I plugged in my earphones and started listening…' which is in past tense. I suggest you write in past tense because it's easier.

I noticed this mistake throughout your story: do not confused 'it's' with 'its'. 'it's' is used as a form of subject, which is also a contraction from 'it is', while 'its' is used to state an ownership of a subject. Confused? I'll give you a simple example.

"It's a cat who has lost its tail." As you see, the 'it's' refers to the cat, while the 'its' refers to the tail that the cat has.

I hope you understand my explanation :D

The 'I' is supposed to be capitalized all the time. There are several 'I's in your chapters that typed in lower case, although I think your hands were just slipped there. Check your chapters again. 

Wrong use of punctuation and capitalized words. I found this first in the chapter 1: 'Thank God I spotted one. a vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' Rather than separating them into two sentences, you can make it like this: 'Thank God I spotted one vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' Or if you insisted to make them into two: 'Thank God I spotted one. There was a vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' There are also several mistakes similar to this, look carefully for your uses of comma and full stop.

The apostrophe. I saw you always forget to put one in the word 'didn't', you made it as 'didnt' which was not very comfortable for me to see. Please put apostrophe for any contractions you made - check your chapters again.

Misspelling. 

There are two mistakes in chapter 1: 'disappered' = 'disappeared' and 'sit' = 'seat' - it's supposed to be noun, not a verb on that particular sentence.

Wait. I think it's better if you copy your work to ms. word and set the language to english. It will pin point the non-English words, and you can change them easier.

Your grammar and spelling are getting better in the latter chapters though :D 

FLOW (10/10)

It has a nice pace, I think. Not too fast but not too slow either - a normal pace. 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (4/10)

I will rely on my personal opinion on this one. To be very honest, it was hard to read all of your chapters. Some were confusing, especially the dialogues part. The grey color kept telling me that they were 'in-mind conversation' although they were not, so it was not comfortable to read. 

The earlier chapters of yours were not that interesting for me, so I struggled a lot to read passed there. But later on, it became more interesting although I should say, you already lost me in your earlier chapter. 

COMMENTS (5/5)

Your readers seemed to enjoy your story much. Perfect points.

TOTAL: 62/100