Author: roughhivge and elf_verl
Reviewer: browniesbantet
Title (5/5)
Oh I LOVE your title! It's interesting, unique and hell it was eye-catching for me :D It fits well with the 'mystery' tag in your fic. Minor correction: please lower case the 'At', you should not capitalized the first letter for words like 'at', 'to', 'and', etc' in the title.
Poster (2/5)
Since you did not have a poster or any images, I will evaluate this based on the neatness, font size and color and your paragraphs - but you won't get a perfect score though >_<
Okay, your paragraphs are neat, some are a bit longer than it should but I could still handle it - but seriously, you cannot make a super long paragraphs. Not all readers can handle long paragraph, it might confuse them and make them 'jump over' the words. For me, I set about 5 to 6 lines maximum.
I like how you separate the line for dialogues :D and how you set big spaces for each paragraphs. It helped a lot. Your font size and color are fine - as long as they do not make me dizzy.
Description/Foreword (10/15)
Description. You description made me confused. I think we should simplify this a bit - your second sentence is too long.
'This is a story revolving on two individuals who had had their lives shattered by a man's selfish action. It is not only about how they struggled, but also how a man's steadfastness/faithfulness/commitment (I found steadfastness is a bit difficult to understand) on his belief in love managed him to pull through and endure all the hardships life dealt upon him. Will he finally get his happily ever after or be forever content to love from a distance?'
Of course you did not have to follow exactly like that, you can add your own words. The point is to break down the second sentence.
Your 'PS' in the author note: 'even chapters are connected…' interest me. I wonder how your story would turn out later with this kind of concept.
Foreword. Your foreword is intriguing enough for me to go on and click 'next'. It is not the best, but it is enough. I love how you chose the words and the adjectives here. Good work :D
Plot (25/25)
Oh no what can I say about this… I rarely give a good score for plot, but you broke my wall just like that with only eight chapters. You're amazing and I humbly say that I learned so much from your story - it's inspiring me to write better!
Your idea of separating the plot into two - one in odd chapters and the other in even chapters - is great and I was really interested about it. First I thought that you would not be able to make it flowed neatly but no, I was dead wrong. The different plot did not bother me at all and the connection between the two was gradually becoming clear.
Your plot is original as I have not read anything like yours. I like how detailed you are in describing the events happening, even the small ones like when Shane sneaked up to drink Jonathan's whisky, or when Savannah pulled Jacques's hair like mad.
Your story premise is very promising and you wrote them 'effortlessly', because all the events there happened very natural and realistic. I sensed the main conflict will happen soon as Jacques already met Emma. I expect a brilliant ending for your story :D
Characters (13/15)
Each of your characters are really intriguing for me. From Luke to Savannah, they looked real. Their conversation occurred genuinely without any awkward moment nor my eyes twitching in annoyance.
Luke and Jacques had some similarities - are they actually a same person? I love both of them; they were strong, cold but each had their soft side inside. Jacques seemed ignorant but that fitted him perfectly in the story. Kyuhyun's image also suited him very well.
Jonathan, William, Shane and Savannah - those supporting characters - looked good and they played the role well to enhance the story more. I like how clumsy Shane was, Ryeowook's image fitted him and he was just adorable with his pouts and whines. Jonathan, well, he was just being 'Heechul-ish' and I could imagine him nagging perfectly.
For Emma, she only appeared twice and so I can't say much about her but you were doing a great job by making her blind. Rather than making her the usual nice-lady-who-cares-about-the-low-workers, she's blind and that's made her different. She seemed straight forward and had a lot of guts too. I don't know much about Eunjung so I can't say whether she fitted for the role or not.
Spelling/Grammar (19/20)
Oh no. I got absorbed too much in your plot, details and descriptions that I nearly forget to check on your grammar - how did you do that to me?
Chapter 1
'He was held down firmly by the four men and any attempts he made to break free were met with failure.'
Chapter 2
'As the man gasped in pain, Jacques picked the knife up and used the brunt (did you mean 'blunt? I looked up in the dictionary and the meaning of 'brunt' do not match with the sentence) end to knock him unconscious…'
'Heaving himself up onto his feet, he shot a challenging look around at (choose one, either 'around' or 'at' only) the men, daring them to get back…'
'He continued as the he placed the phone by his ear…'
'He rattled off a series of numbers as for the coordinates for the location as he maneuvered the truck smoothly into the flowing traffic…'
Chapter 3
'The neatly packed shelves had been toppled and tables were overturned with the floor littered with the various household necessities that the store usually stocked.'
That's quite a long sentence you have there. It is fine to have long sentence but you made it a bit messy. You should use comma in between those words there: 'The neatly packed shelves had been toppled and, tables were overturned with and the floor was littered with the various household…'
Again, a long sentence: 'Old man Wicks would be devastated and how was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods?'
It would be clearer if you separate it into two sentence: 'Old man Wicks would be devastated. and How was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods?'
'Old man Wicks would be devastated and how was he going to get the money to refurnish the store and restock his goods? His thoughtlessness had caused the livelihood of an innocent party.'
The 'his' in the second sentence was referring to Luke but it could also be misinterpreted to be the Old man Wicks, because the previous sentence was talking about him. I suggest you use the name 'Luke' as the subject for the second sentence.
Chapter 4
'He breezed by the fallen man and slung the battered bag casually over his shoulder, tossing the keys of the truck over his shoulder without even a backward glance.'
I found it strange for a sentence to have a phrase repeated. You could have changed one of them: 'He breezed by the fallen man and slung the battered bag casually over his shoulder, tossing the keys of the truck to his back without even sparing a glance.'
It doesn't have to be exactly like that, of course. The idea is just to remove the repetition.
'Startled, Shane's arms flailed around in the air as he tried to grab on to Jacques as he lost his balance and felt himself falling."
Again, a repetition. The second 'as' may also be referred to Jacques instead of Shane, so I suggest you change it: 'Started, Shane lost his balance and felt himself falling as he flailed his arms around, trying to grab on to Jacques.'
'Graves Greaves called after them as the duo made their way up the elegant mahogany made curved stairs that was were carefully oiled by the various servant.'
'Mrs Tillers already have had her hands full with the upcoming wedding…'
Chapter 5
'The fact that his simple assignment had turned complicated was a hint at that it was simply an appetiser which fate had thrown for him.'
Chapter 7
'Biting their trembling lips, they hung their head down in shame as he continued to admonish them.'
'They were just children and they do did not deserve a tongue lashing for a harmless game of catch.'
You have a wide range of vocabularies! That really impressed me. Even though some were a bit difficult - I even had my dictionary ready. But I was learning so much new words :D
You only have minor mistakes and I think you just slipped your fingers in some of them. Your grammar is good and I love, really really love, on how you described things and situation. I appreciate much details that you offered and how you made all of the events and dialogues looked down-to-earth - those were the main reason why I got so absorbed in your story.
Flow (5/5)
I like the flow and again, your story flow naturally, effortless - it's like, the events had to be there without you forcing anything. It hook me up. Perfect.
Overall Enjoyment (9/10)
I think you already know that I enjoyed your story so much LOL. One thing that bugged me was just the long paragraphs and the names. It took time to get used for the names while also picturing them as their assigned idols. But it's not like you have to change the name to their 'korean' - we're talking about my personal opinion here.
Overall, your story was great. And it deserves more views, really.
TOTAL: 88/100
Congrats! If you find my reviews too harsh or made no sense, please PM me.
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