Review: What I Want To Do If I Have A Lover

Story: What I Want To Do If I Have A Lover

Author: earlyseven

Reviewer: browniesbantet

TITLE (2/5)

Your title is not bad, but it's not great either. It's a 'normal' title and I can't find it eye-catching for me when I first saw it. But I think it fits your story well.

The words 'to' and 'a' are not supposed to be capitalized in a title. 

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (5/10)

I appreciate your effort to find each picture of the characters, especially for the females - those picture fit perfectly. I personally do not like it when an author post a characters' list, because it's kind of ruining the surprise for me. But your list is okay, at least it's not revealing too much.

Your description is really short. It's not that every descriptions supposed to be long, but you can still expand it a little. You can give some quotes from the characters or a cut from one of the events in the chapters - put something that could gain attention from your readers, something that make your story different from the others'.

Grammar/spelling/punctuation check:

In Yoseob's character info, 'He is your besfriend's cousin. Yet treats her like a younger sister…' I think it will be better if you replace the full stop with a comma: 'He is your bestfriend's cousin, yet he treats her like a younger sister…' That's also applied for the next sentence '… he never dated a girl before. Neither fell in love with someone.' 

APPEARANCE (8/10)

Your front poster is nice, but I think you should emphasize the pictures of Yoseob and Mina more as they're the main characters. But the other posters are well-made.

The background is also good, even though it gradually became quite awkward to have Doojoon, Kikwang and Yoseob staring at me (>_<) - but no, I did not deduct your points because of this.

CHARACTERS (5/10)

You have many characters that popped out at the same time. I was confused at first - and you kept changing the POV which made me had to stop and re-read the chapters again. 

From what I saw, your characters fit for a story like this, simple romance and stuff. The main female character was a perfect girl - intelligent, all boys like her, beautiful, dazzling. And the main male character fell easily for the female character, in like, two chapters. Mina and Yoseob's personality were perfect for your story.

But then, looking at a bigger picture, their characters might become boring for other readers who had read fics often. They were the usual type of OC pairings. 

I'm not saying that the characters are bad - again, they fit your story well. However, you can try to give more special traits or twist for their personalities.

PLOT (6/10)

I can't say that your plot is unique, nor it was really logical. For a simple romance, fluff readers, your plot is fun and likeable. But for readers who want a deeper story, they might not like it. 

I read a lot of OC stories already and to be honest, I can't say that your plot is different. It started the same and ended up almost the same as other. How easy for Yoseob to love Mina at the start irked me a bit for I was hoping for a bit more development before reaching there. But then, a fast-paced is also good. 

You tried to dig up more in latter chapters and that was really nice. I hope you would give more twists in the future. 

ORIGINALITY (5/10)

I did not found any stories that exactly like yours - so you're not plagiarized anyone. Your idea was quite similar with some other OC stories out there. But your plot outcome is different. 

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATIONS/SPELLING (12/20)

Because your chapters are too much, I don't think I can pin point your mistakes one by one. I will tell you in general.

First is your tenses. You should decide which tense that you wanted to use - present or past tense? Cause you mixed them a lot. For example in chapter 1: 'I feel so tired' which is in present tense but in the next sentence you said 'I plugged in my earphones and started listening…' which is in past tense. I suggest you write in past tense because it's easier.

I noticed this mistake throughout your story: do not confused 'it's' with 'its'. 'it's' is used as a form of subject, which is also a contraction from 'it is', while 'its' is used to state an ownership of a subject. Confused? I'll give you a simple example.

"It's a cat who has lost its tail." As you see, the 'it's' refers to the cat, while the 'its' refers to the tail that the cat has.

I hope you understand my explanation :D

The 'I' is supposed to be capitalized all the time. There are several 'I's in your chapters that typed in lower case, although I think your hands were just slipped there. Check your chapters again. 

Wrong use of punctuation and capitalized words. I found this first in the chapter 1: 'Thank God I spotted one. a vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' Rather than separating them into two sentences, you can make it like this: 'Thank God I spotted one vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' Or if you insisted to make them into two: 'Thank God I spotted one. There was a vacant seat beside a sleeping girl…' There are also several mistakes similar to this, look carefully for your uses of comma and full stop.

The apostrophe. I saw you always forget to put one in the word 'didn't', you made it as 'didnt' which was not very comfortable for me to see. Please put apostrophe for any contractions you made - check your chapters again.

Misspelling. 

There are two mistakes in chapter 1: 'disappered' = 'disappeared' and 'sit' = 'seat' - it's supposed to be noun, not a verb on that particular sentence.

Wait. I think it's better if you copy your work to ms. word and set the language to english. It will pin point the non-English words, and you can change them easier.

Your grammar and spelling are getting better in the latter chapters though :D 

FLOW (10/10)

It has a nice pace, I think. Not too fast but not too slow either - a normal pace. 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT (4/10)

I will rely on my personal opinion on this one. To be very honest, it was hard to read all of your chapters. Some were confusing, especially the dialogues part. The grey color kept telling me that they were 'in-mind conversation' although they were not, so it was not comfortable to read. 

The earlier chapters of yours were not that interesting for me, so I struggled a lot to read passed there. But later on, it became more interesting although I should say, you already lost me in your earlier chapter. 

COMMENTS (5/5)

Your readers seemed to enjoy your story much. Perfect points.

TOTAL: 62/100