Author: Hyuklicious
Reviewer: browniesbantet
Title (3/5)
I'm not going to say that your title is cliché, but it's just the idea which being portrayed by your title seems like a 'classic' romance story - an ugly, unattractive girl finally dated a super handsome boy and then suddenly she became beautiful and yeah something around that line. Even though your plot might not be as plain as that, but your title gives out that kind of vibe, so to be honest it did not catch my attention too much. But then, the readers who love those kind of 'classic' story that I mentioned above, might find yours interesting and click it.
Grammar check: Please capitalized the word 'it' :D
Foreword/Description (6/10)
Somehow it irks me whenever I see the 'Meet _____, a ____ girl/boy…' thing, because it has been used and abused too much in many stories. I'm not saying that using this kind of opening is bad; It is very attractive and effective actually, but seeing it over and over again made me a bit tired. However for the readers who rarely see this kind of opening, of course they won't mind it.
Your description seems like a cinderella story to me - not in negative way. But well, it's a good start. I like your quote: 'It's sad to live in a world where appearance means more than personality.' Honestly speaking, that quote is enough to be your description without those character introduction because personally I like short and mysterious one better as they perk up my curiosity and urge me right away to click 'next'.
Grammar check:
'She suffers from low self-esteem, and she has been bullied in all her life.'
'Her parents are too busy with work, and favour her two exceptionally skinny sisters more over her.'
'But no. They were the worst.' It would be better if you do not separated this sentence with the previous one: 'You might think that her sisters would be the ones that who (refrain from using 'that' too much as conjunction, especially since you already had one before this in the same sentence) would stand by her side (just to make things clearer), but no. They were the worst.'
'They beat her up everyday and force her to do chores.'
'Minhae will cry everyday, and there is no one who can comfort her. One day, she can not take it anymore and decides to end her life. Anyway Because either way, there is no one that who cares about her.' Please stick to the tenses. Your first tense is in present tense so do not use past tense after that. I suggest you use past tense because it is easier.
Appearance (7/10)
Your poster is fine, I guess. It fits the story well. One thing that bothered me is Sungyeol's picture which is on the bottom right side - wait, is that Sungyeol? I'm sorry, I don't know much about Infinite. His head's color looks really light and it contrasts the others'.
Your moustaches background looks hilarious to me, even though I could not find the correlation of those fluffy, colorful moustaches with your story; or maybe those are not moustaches? - I could not think of anything else.
Characters (3/10)
Your characters were not interest me that much as I've seen those often in other stories. Minhae's personality which being portrayed in her inner-mind-conversation was depressing at first and it annoyed me, but eventually she became strong. My eyes twitched after I read her idea of suicide - it was too easy, too common and yes, cliche, again. I had grown to like her when she stood up to Infinite and spat back to their insult but that kind of character was not something new.
Woohyun was your typical hero handsome guy. He saved Minhae in the very precise time before she jumped off, which was great, of course, because no one died. His thoughts in chapter 4 were really hilarious - I'm sorry, it is in a negative way. One good thing about him was just he would not end up with Minhae in the end as you said in the author's note.
The only characters I loved in your story were Myungsoo and Sungyeol. They were so fun to read even though they only appeared once. I hope you would develop your characters more - think differently.
Plot (4/10)
I still can't say much about the plot because your story was just starting. But judging from the first three chapters, your plot was, well - how do I say this - it's too normal, common and eventually irritated me because I have seen this kind of storyline a lot, which to be very honest, it was very unpleasant for me to read. Especially for the first and second chapters where Minhae complained about her life, how she was bullied by her classmates and how Woohyun wanted to save her… they were too cliche - I don't want to use this word but nothing fits better than this, I'm sorry.
But then, you mentioned in the foreword that your story would be different and I'm still hanging to that promise. The tags 'myungyeol' actually attracted me and also your author's note at the fourth chapter which stated that Woohyun will not end up with Minhae was giving me hope.
Your story had potential to be better even though the premise was too ordinary. You can still expand the plot wider on later chapters, add some twists and surprises; but for now, this is your score.
Originality (2/10)
I read a lot of story which started with the same events and scenes as yours - bullied, suicide, saved by a handsome guy. I hope you would add more originality on your upcoming chapters - which is very likely as you already said that Woohyun would not end up with Minhae; that would make your story different.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling (10/20)
Chapter 1:
"… Do this math assignment by today or I will beat you up!" One of the queenkas, Jessica shoved the piece of paper into my face.' Make sure to capitalized the first letter after the quotation marks or ** signs with full stop/question mark/exclamation mark. You repeated these kind of mistakes along the chapters, please run through them again.
'My life was just a pathetic cycle.' Stick to one point of view. If you are using 'my' then you should use the subject 'I' throughout the story. But I spotted that you also using 'you' as the subject for the next sentence: 'Tears started to well up your eyes as you thought of how miserable your life was.'
You used the subject 'you' more in the chapter so I think you should stick to it. If you insist to use 'I' in some sentence then you could make it like an inner-mind-conversation, such as: '*I wonder why I'm still alive sometimes,* you thought.'
'My Your life is just a pathetic cycle: woke up, got scolded by Minjung and Miyoung, went to school, got teased at bullied by classmates, reached home and be received more abused abuses.'
'Tears started to well up in your eyes as you thought of how miserable your life was.'
'"Class, stand up! (to make things clearer)" The chairperson (isn't it supposed to be a class captain? Correct me if I'm wrong) interrupted your thoughts.
*At least I started today with something nice.* You thought, but not for long though.
'"Oh my gosh, look at her fats! They look like they have been compressed, poor thing!"' Someone laughed out loud.
'They were all giving you a smile that looks demeaning, except for one who you don't recognize.'
'He was instead giving you a pitiful look instead and his eyes were filed with sympathy.'
*Wow, kingkas are giving me attention on the day I'll die.'
"Why, even if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't pick you… Just because you are handsome and popular don't make you more superior than others. You are just a pathetic, attention-seeking assholes who pick on people weaker than you. You do know that you are a bunch of cowards right…' The 'you' were referring to all of the Infinite right? So it's not a singular subject.
'Everyone who heard of what you said, gasped.'
'"She can't be considered as a girl, more like a talking pig.'
'You Your wish are is about to be granted, mister. you wish mister'
'As you was walked home, you started to reflect on what you did in your life…'
The only thing you would miss when you leave this cruel and horrible place was your cat, Meinu - which is means pretty in Chinese.
'And the weird thing was, she just appeared on your doorstep one day when you were going arrived at home.'
'Oh my gosh her face looked so pale and she looked like she was going to die. Was it because of what hyung said? That stupid insensitive hyung! TT' Avoid using emoticon to describe things - it would seem like your writings are not 'professional'. You should describe it with words instead, except for your author's note of course ^^
'I couldn't cheer her up myself too, the cat was not enough to cheer her up!"
Chapter 2:
'You were relieved that you did not get caught by the 'stalker'.'
'"Hey Meinu," you whispered, questioning your own sanity: Why on earth am I talking to a car who wouldn't reply me back?'
'… I don't want to end up with the same size as you, you know?"'
'You could hear the smirk on her lips…' I don't think you can 'hear' the smirk. Isn't it supposed to be 'see'?
'When you reached the rooftop, you took steady steps towards the ledge (I think what you meant there is 'edge'), and stood on top of it.'
Chapter 3:
'Trust me, hyung is actually really nice. He just acts like he's a mean person (to make things clearer or you can use: He just acts mean/cruel/spiteful so people…) so people won't bother him that much!"'
'Gosh, many girls love his eyes because apparently that is what makes him different from others.'
'*Woohyun is such a chatterbox unlike other kingkas! So unlike other kingkas. (to make your sentence more effective or if you insist to make it as two sentence: Woohyun is such a chatterbox! He is so different from other kingkas.)
'*What did he mean… that he used to be fat and ugly too… like me?*'
'And he's sucha such a pussy, he cried because I called him a big fat chicken head!'
'"… for that, you have to wait until another day! I will tell you then? Don't kill yourself alright!'
He smile as he ruffled my you head, and walked off without telling you the rest.
'Why couldn't he tell me the rest? So, he's he was (he was ugly in the 'past', right? So use a past tense instead) exactly like me? Interesting.*'
'No! He looked like a dino, even though he was friendly, he might scare Minhae off!
'Nah, he probably would ask her to dance so that she would lose weight.'
'Minhae might be rubbed off by his girlish-ness and turned too girly!'
'Hmm… that leaved me Myungsoo and Sungyeol! They were friendly, maybe a little playful, but good enough!'
'And an extra plus… they could sympathize with her.'
'Her blunt, sharp words might cup people's hearts, yet she built me up.'
'Aah, it still hurt to think back again.'
Your problems lingered more in subject-verb agreement, capitalized words, inconsistent tenses, lack of vocabularies and some punctuations errors. Please re-check your chapters again :D
Flow (8/10)
I did not have any problems with the flow. It's quite fast-paced and I liked it.
Overall Enjoyment (2/10)
I will be very very honest in this part because it involves my personal opinion. I did not enjoy your story that much - more because of your plot and writing style which are not to my liking. It's not like I hate 'classic' romance; I've read those which practically had the same ideas but I could still enjoy some of them because they had one particular thing that made each stories different and special. But I did not find it in your story yet.
I guess your story would have its interesting part after chapter 4, so I suggest you cut the earlier chapters because those are the 'cliché' scenes - and I already lost interest after second chapter. But then it's just my own opinion, I still hope that you would expand more of your plot though.
Comments (5/5)
The readers seemed to like your story. Perfect score.
TOTAL: 50/100
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