Review: An Angel's Promise

story: An Angel's Promise

author: BitterSweetHeaven

reviewer: browniesbantet

Title (4/5)

I might be biased when I scored this but I love angel stories so when I saw your title, there was this certain urge that made me want to click it - and so that was how I found your title eye-catching. Your title gave out a bit of sad and mysterious tone because of the 'promise'; it seemed like the human/partner had to wait for a long time as the angel left him. But at this point I haven't read your story yet so let's see how it turned out then.

Foreword/Description (7/10)

Description. First, I appreciate your efforts in searching those characters' pictures. All of them fit the small description below each images. I personally found it unpleasant to have a characters profile like that because it's kind of ruining the surprise for me, but yours was okay i guess, at least it did not reveal much things. 

Foreword. Your description had a bloody cliffhanger! That was cheating! Oh I got agitated so much, which proved that your foreword was good. It left the readers hanging with curiosity. It was so straightforward with the angel concept and amusing to read. I could expect an exciting story from you after reading this foreword. Now on to the first chapter… 

Grammar check: 

A late summer breeze was whispering sweet verses, soothing my ears. Faded green leaves quivered under its softness. What was the 'its' referring to? Is it the summer breeze? If yes, then you can't separate the sentence just yet: A late summer breeze was whispering sweet verser, soothing my ears, quivering the faded leaves under its softness.

I turned around/at the corner of the footpath and found myself in front of the school. It must be really hard to turn the corner of the footpath. You cannot just bend the footpath; it's impossible. 

It was the same old school that I had been attending for a few years.

Responding, a beaming full moon emerged from behind the clouds, piercing through the darkness. What was it that the moon responding? Just to clarify things, you can add: Responding to the velvet voice/anything to describe the singing, a beaming full moon…

The mysterious man cocked his head, his golden hairs were about his shoulders. 

Appearance (10/10)

I'm not strict about this, as long as you have your poster and it is beautiful enough than I'd give you good score. Your poster is beautiful, the mood is portrayed well, and everything else is perfect so ten points!

Characters (8/10)

Kiseop was your usual handsome-popular guy at school who was cold, distant and surrounded by slut girls. His kind of character was being used in many other stories though he fitted your story perfectly. His confusion and jealousy towards Kevin were amusing to read. His actions were interesting even though I still could not understand why he suddenly asking Kevin to go on a date in the earlier chapter while he was still puzzled with his own feelings. He did not show much proves of his liking towards Kevin yet so a date was a bit rushed, I think. That was my personal opinion though. 

Kevin was such a sweet angel. He thought of Kiseop's feelings deeply and how he did not want to hurt the man. Your idea of making him as a nerd boy almost made me lost my interest, but it gradually became better on later chapters because you did not show him much as a unsociable nerd. His relationship with Kiseop was progressing steadily and the events were happened naturally, I think. I enjoyed how they became closer bit by bit with many misunderstanding. 

The other characters were also fitting with the story. Eli enhanced the story by providing a triangle relationship, Soo Hyun and Dong Ho gave some side stories about Kevin, and Minyoung was simply hilarious. I did not expect her to be a fangirl though.  

Plot (8/10)

My prediction on your plot which I mentioned in the 'title' part was dead wrong but damn, your plot turned out to be even better. Even though the idea of guardian angels seemed to be cliche these days but I strangely did not feel that your story was appearing that way. Maybe because you did not add any scene where the angel is invisible and quietly observing the human while hiding his feeling and hurting himself by his own love towards the man.

Your angel concept was good. The angels had two form: angel and human form. It amused me when you effortlessly mentioned the angels' power. It was so natural and you did not use any 'text-book' kind of tone. The way you made Kiseop revealed Kevin as an angel was also unique. Kiseop didn't found him by catching him with his wings, but instead from a funny misunderstanding. It was hilarious to read and unexpected. 

The idea of Kevin being Eli's guardian angel instead of Kiseop's was good. That way, you can avoid the cliche plot effectively. It also create some twists and complicated relationships, which were very enjoyable for me. You linked the characters relationship pretty well. I liked it when you made Kevin had special past with Soo Hyun and later met him again in the present.

Overall, your plot is one of the angels stories that I found it well-built. You planned the event carefully and linked them together at later chapters in ease.  

Originality (6/10)

There are already angels stories which involving guardian angels, so I can't say that your story is original, but you put in some ideas that made your story different.

I mentioned it in the plot already that you have interesting angels concept and how you made Kevin became Eli's guardian angel instead of Kiseop's. 

But then again, there are some of the scene and outcomes in your plot that similar to other stories, so I deduct the score a little.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling (16/20)

Chapter 1:

I had (stick to your past tense) been looking up among all the new students and freshmen in out school, hoping to find him. Why only them? Because (I put it just to clarify things; this is not a definite correction so you can ignore it if you want) I knew everyone and obviously, I had (again, change the verb into past form) never seen him around. If I had had (I don't think it was necessary so just crossed it out), I would have remembered him for sure (no need for a comma between 'him' and 'for sure').

1. His golden hairs were (don't forget to add the verb in the sentence) about his shoulders (shouldn't (lower case the letter 's') be hard to notice).

3. He was wearing a uniform (he (lower case the first letter 'h') should be enrolled (added to clarify things, you may ignore the 'enrolled' but the 'be' is necessary) in this school since he was sitting on the rooftop of THIS school)

4. His angelic voice (he (lower case the first letter 'h') was singing that night).

5. His heavenly features (he (lower case the first letter 'h') would obviously stand out in a crowd. 

note: Always lower case the first letter inside the parenthesis except if the sentence ends with exclamation/question mark.

I could easily get any girl I wanted, but lately it (remove the comma between 'lately' and 'it') had (stick to the past tense) become boring.

Chapter 2:

I grabbed my notebooks and (the comma between 'and' and 'without' is not needed) without even wasting one more second there, I left the classroom.

I simply pointed, stirring my chin to the fast-food restaurant that Sung Hyun had entered few seconds ago and. I walked towards it, expecting my closest friend to follow me up. I separated this into two sentence because it was too long and might confuse the readers. If you put the 'and' there before the 'walked towards' the readers might think that it was Kevin who walked, not Kiseop. 

Looking around, I easily found the one who made me came here was (I put it to clarify things, or else the readers might interpreted it as Kiseop came there to go to the cash register) at the cash register.

"Haha, no worries! (always use plural for this remark) It happens."

Even though his puppy eyes were hidden behind his glasses, I could see them widened in surprise.

"I can't anymore". (Put the full stop inside the quotation marks to end the sentence) "I can't anymore."

Chapter 3:

"Oh… Then, Eli…" His eyes brightened up a little, but soon lost its their sparkle. The word 'eyes' is plural so use 'their' instead.

I laid my head on my arm which being lazily spread on my desk, while my tired eyes were looking outside the window on my left.

Few people were roaming in the streets which usually busier in the morning. 

As if unearthly forces were on his side, the sun decided to hide behind the clouds, leaving a mere yellowish gleam as the only light source.

Chapter 4:

Who? Another new student? At that moment, the rattling door opened wide.

The new student walked in, a bright smile was on his face (or with a bright smile on his face).

"Hum… Just take a place sit." (I think 'sit' is more suitable for this) The old man pointed to an empty place chair/desk.

Instinctively, I turned my head in Hoon Min's direction. Abruptly putting down his chalk, he the teacher (you were talking about Hoon Min in the previous sentence so the reader might refer the 'he' as Hoon Min instead of the teacher) faced the classroom.

I was fortunate that there was no more liquid left or else I would surely have the soda splashed all over my face.

Chapter 5:

As I brushed beside her the girl, (Try to avoid redundant words; you use the word 'her' again after this so I changed the first) I winked at her, almost causing her fainted.

It had been a month since Hoon Min first transferred to this school. Since then, there hadn't been a single day where he wouldn't hang out with Eli and me.

I didn't know what or how to explain it, but there was ('something' is taken as singular, so do not use 'were') definitely something.

How can he hang out with them when I, the queen of the school, can't?

She poked the one at her left with her elbow, stifling the voices. (I didn't get the connection between her poking her friend and stifling the voices though…)

Chapter 6:

It was saturday morning (no need for 'apostrophe + s' for the saturday).

Fall had taken over summer, filling the landscape with its trademark vivid colors.

I gulped as I realized that I had done something that I would never have thought that I would do one day (actually if you crossed that out, the sentence would be more effective).

I was wearing a cream beige long sleeves sweater (no need for the 'apostrophe + s' for the sleeves). A deep "U" collar (isn't that supposed to be deep V neck? I don't know much about clothes so just ignore this if you want) with a chic built-in scarf completed the clothing.

Well, I myself was annoyed too.

He indeed was beautiful (I added it for clarifying the sentence because I got confused of what is he indeed was, at first) with his heavenly features, but I hadn't seen him for weeks now.

The female cashier hurriedly replaced fixed (although I knew what you meant with this 'replaced' but it still would be funny if the readers imagined her to really 'replace' her hair, so I gave you other word for that) and neatened her clothes as she saw Sung Hyun coming towards her.

Wait. It would be too long if I keep doing this. Let me just stated your common mistakes:

First is about tenses. Please stick to the past tense all the time, except for the characters' dialogues and thoughts. Remove all 'am, is, are, have, verbs in present form' from the narration and description part (but pay attention too for the context of the sentence)

You tend to forget the proper conjunctions. You need to add them in joining two ideas in one sentence. The examples are already mentioned above.

Your common minor mistakes are about choice of words and clarifying things. When you wrote one idea in separate sentences, make sure that you stated the name of the object/subject again because the readers might not know which object/subject you were referring to. But again, pay attention to the context of the sentence also.

Overall your grammar is well-done. I could understand your sentences and they were not bothering me when I read each of your chapters. It's just because you choose first person POV, the word 'I' is repeated quite a lot to start a sentence and to be very honest, I was being slightly annoyed by it. But then, it could not be helped since this was in first person, although I do hope that you will develop a different way to begin a sentence instead of using 'I…'

Flow (10/10)

The way you ended some chapters with angels' conversations was well-written. It kept the suspense up and brought up a good cliffhanger, especially for the earlier chapters.

The story flowed well and it was not too fast nor too slow; it was perfect. How you cut the scene in each chapter and proceed to the next was also good. You always gave a last sentence in the ending of each chapters which left the readers hanging in both frustration and curious about your next update. I gave you ten points for those engaging cliffhangers. 

Overal Enjoyment (8/10)

I enjoyed your story much and the urge to click 'next' was always coming to me whenever I ended a chapter - such brilliant cliffhangers, damn it got me everytime. Although some cheesy/cliche lines were bugging me a bit but I love your plot so I just let them slipped away. I liked how you joined the events together and made a happy ending for the couple. Overall, your story is good and I'll be waiting for the next update! 

Comments (5/5)

What can I say about this? You have a lot of comments and each of them said no bad things about your story, even urging you to update faster. Perfect score!

TOTAL: 82/100