story: Unexpected Love
author: Yonglulu
reviewer: browniesbantet
Title (4/5)
Your title contained both sad and happy tone. It could portray a story with a sudden love confession which had been waited for a long time or a sudden love/crush/affection towards someone which would only yield a bitter ending. I think your story had these two tones simultaneously and they balanced each other. On one side, the characters' dark past and poor life made up the sad one, and on the other side there was this sweet, innocent love grew among them which giving off a happy vibe.
Despite of the common pairing of the word 'unexpected' and 'love', your title suited the story just fine so I could not deduct the score more. The problem lingered on the inability to create and gain attention from the readers on the first glance. This title is not that eye-catchy for some readers. But I'm sure that you would hang on well because your characters are all from Exo which is at its peak on their popularity these days. Your pairing was a bit uncommon too I presume, as I always see HunHan and Baekyeol; that would surely give you nice advantage in getting readers.
Foreword/Description (7/10)
Your description is… really short. It is not like every description has to be long but yours is too short that it did not catch my attention that much. I could not get the broad image of your story and I could not help to get this feeling that your story would probably be boring - note that I only judge it from the description here.
Description and foreword are really important in the story as they are the main factor to determine whether the readers would continue and click 'next' or just leave, so you have to make sure that these two are made beautifully - both in words and appearance. The opening there is already good so all you have to do is to expand it. Put it some excerpts from your story in the foreword, give your readers some delicious teasers - bring out those ChanHun and XiuHan moments into use. You could also describe the potential conflict that would happen later or just describe the characters more. You already started with Chanyeol, so why not continue it with Luhan, Sehun and Xiumin? Do not forget to add a little cliffhanger in the end though.
Appearance (10/10)
Your poster is gorgeous! The color is right and the tone is portrayed well. I like the expression of each character and how they are all facing in opposite direction. It is a well-designed poster! Kudos to the designer.
Characters (8/10)
You made your characters seemed so real that it took me back a bit when I read your writings. They had balanced personality and none of them had this 'perfect' aura feeling, which was very good and well-written.
Chanyeol still had his usual clumsy-funny remarks. It was a bit weird for me to portray him in a gang though as imagining him in his derp face would only make me laugh rather than scream in fear. But you made his character just fine and it really amused me how he could not leave anyone when they need help, even though he had to hesitate at first. He was surprisingly a spontaneous person; I never thought that he would stalk Sehun and Xiumin and even brought Luhan home in princess-style - that gave me a good laugh. You maintained his action well and you did not make him as a 'hero' character that always helped Sehun in somewhat magical way. I liked it when you mentioned that Chanyeol was not a good fighter, which was very logical as his role was only a driver and how he was still afraid of Xiumin. Those small little things made your characters became realistic and it was very good. Chanyeol's affection for Sehun developed slowly, but I think that was the most reasonable way, as you had mentioned that he did not believe in love anymore since the accident back then. I liked how you portray the scene when they had to hold hands; you did it effortlessly, like they really had to hold each other at that time, and then left the readers to see and analyze how their relationship took a new step after that little action.
My first impression of Sehun was a bit weak. I thought he was bullied or forced to join the gang. However on later chapters, I realized that he was one of the active member and seemed to enjoy robbing people's shop. That was unexpected but it gave me a deeper impression for him, rather than having him as a weak character who always needed help. He showed his ignorant, talky side to Chanyeol later and that amused me a lot; you made his character really well and realistic.
Xiumin's characters still a bit blurred for me. He was a bully and had this strong character and evil side. He only softened in front of Luhan and that was still confusing for me as the reason was still unknown. How did he helped Luhan with the deliveries? Were they somehow, ever got in contact before the story started? I hope you would elaborate more on his character later on the future chapters.
Luhan seemed like a good little boy. He gave this kind of innocent vibe and it was like a fresh air between the others who had a dark past and personality inside.
Plot (8/10)
Your premise was quite simple; it was just Chanyeol who wanted to start a new life after being released from the jail. But that gave you almost infinite probabilities on how could you expand your plot-line and in the end, you chose a classic, but the most realistic one. It was really good, however the first several chapters were a bit boring actually as Chanyeol had to settled himself before going to the first conflict. If I could suggest, maybe you should shortened those chapters or joined them into one. It would give a better feeling for the readers to read only a long chapter filled with the 'boring' opening and found an exciting one in the next chapter, compared to read a short chapter which filled with 'boring' opening and would found another 'boring' one in the next chapter - note that the word 'boring' here is not necessarily in negative meaning. That was only my personal suggestion so it was not certain and you could still ignore it if you want to.
Going for the next when Chanyeol first meeting with Sehun, Luhan and Xiumin, you did a very good character introductions there. They all popped out in their proper scenes and you could effectively let the readers knew their characters were. The chapter titles were also helping a lot.
The following chapters were focusing on the couple moments and each of their problems. Chanyeol who was not believe in love anymore now had his feelings growing whenever he saw Sehun. But I think Xiumin could somehow distrupt their relationship? Considering that he did not seem to like Chanyeol and he was 'older brother' of Sehun - well, their relationship would turn out interesting. Xiumin and Luhan also had a good problem. It would be worth to read how the 'dark' Xiumin could fall in love with the 'innocent' Luhan.
Originality (8/10)
I think a story with a gang, criminal theme is quite rare. But you did not focus on the crime and action but instead, on the back side and the human side of the characters. The love problems that they had were not that original, especially for Xiumin and Luhan, but it was not that common either.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling (15/20)
Chapter 1:
He thought they were his friends; he used to disobey his parents and sneak out to join them and their bad deeds. Do not use comma for this, or else it would be a run-on sentence and it would not come out good.
His role was the van driver, even though he didn't use to have a license before, he was pretty good with recklessly driving big cars - probably gained his experience from watching too much movies.
In the end, the only things thing his friends ever wanted from hanging out with a rich guy like him was obviously his father's money. The word 'only' and 'was' after that are referring to singular object, and thus you cannot add additional 's'.
They robbed the safe his father had in his room and since he was the only one who was last seen in the that particular room, he was disowned by his father and dragged to prison. You were talking about the 'father' at first so it might confuse your readers to refer the second 'he' as the 'father' even though it was meant to be 'Chanyeol'. Also, I think you should put 'dragged to prison' first before 'his father disowned him'; that would make your sentence more logical.
'They robbed the safe his father had in his room and since Chanyeol was the only one who was last seen in that particular room, he was being accused and dragged to prison, which made his father finally disowned him.'
He was determined to start a new anew, through throw his old self away and live a good, honest life away from his father and away from any gangs. I changed some words there which I think they would be more suitable based on the context.
He looked around Incheon for any available jobs, but the only jobs he found were either a waiter at an isolated restaurant that no one visits or a cashier at a 24-hour mart that he'd just rather not work at. As long as I know, the word 'only' is always referring to singular object and thus you cannot add 's' to the word 'job'. I suggest you put the word 'only' at different place.
'He looked around Incheon for any available jobs, but the jobs that he could only find were either a waiter…'
Though he knew that (please put proper conjunction) he didn't have a lot of choices; he (it was a run-on sentence, you cannot use a comma to join them) didn't even graduate from high school. Not to mention the criminal records he has had (stick to the past tense) after spending a few years of his life with a gang.
There was a lot of traffic today, he doubts doubted that he'll he would ever get to cross the street even if the pedestrians crossing light turns green. This is a kind of run-on sentence and there are several ways to correct it: 'With a lot of traffic packed today, he doubted that he would…' or 'There was a a lot of traffic today and he doubted that he would…' Just choose either one.
He decided that he had to change his picky habits if he wants wanted to get a job.
Chapter 2:
He ended up reaching it half an hour later than planned, and (it was a run-on sentence again, so I had to add the 'and' to join them) he kept apologizing to his employer as he promised that it'd never happen again. I suggest you didn't use 'it' and just mention the workplace instead, because this sentence is separated from the previous paragraph where you were talking about the workplace.
'He ended up reaching his workplace/the building half and hour later than planned, and he kept…'
Some badass- looking badass looking/badass-looking (I think you did not have to put a dash for this, or if you insisted, just remove the space) high school kids were probably skipping school and boarded onto his bus, a kid who looked like he wasn't part of their group was slowly walking behind them. This sentence is a bit messy; it lacks proper conjunction and you need to change the structure a bit.
'Some badass-looking high school kids who were probably skipping school boarded onto his bus with a particular kid who looked like he wasn't a part of their group was walking slowly behind them.'
They were talking loudly and laughing together as Sehun sat there quietly, Chanyeol couldn't understand it, is the boy named Sehun going through the same things he had gone through during his early high school days? This is a run-on sentence; you need to separate it into two.
'They were talking loudly and laughing together as Sehun sat there quietly. Chanyeol couldn't understand it; is the boy named Sehun going though the same things he had during his early high school days?'
He felt something inside him reaching out to call the boy and tell him about the sad reality he might face later on if he continues continued being with those guys.
He can't couldn't just order a boy like him who whom he should and he shouldn't be with, he is was only a stranger to him and it wouldn't be very wise to listen to a stranger's words instead of a friend's (I found this line unnecessary, but this is not a certain mistake so you might ignore it if you want). This is again, a run-on sentence and you used the words 'he' too much; it might confused the reader on whom you referred the 'he' to.
'He couldn't just order that boy whom he should and he shouldn't be with; he was only a stranger to Sehun and it wouldn't be very wise to listen to a stranger's words.'
Thankfully, he could get back into the right track if he turns turned left at the next intersection.
The boys went out at the next stop after the intersection and Chanyeol heaved a sigh of relief as he thought that he'll he would never have to see those damn kids again because (this is a run-on sentence so I had to put 'because' or you can use a full stop or semicolon if you want) they reminded him so much of Xiumin's gang and frankly, he didn't want the thought of that gang to haunt haunted him anymore.
The day passed by quickly after and soon enough, he was back to the parking lot where he had to park his bus, his bus. His (it was a run-on sentence again) employer gave him permission to leave early since it was first day and he happily left.
He didn't have a great sleep last night and he probably won't have it today either.
Chapter 3:
He had to wake up extremely early that day but nothing was about going to ruin his happy mood that morning.
The houses in this neighborhood were very pretty though they did not look very expensive. He (a run-on sentence, need to be separated) saw a petite boy struggling with a few bags and boxes of milk and he thought…'
Chanyeol thought that he might be a bit late for work if he helps helped the boy, but he decided to help him anyways. He is was not the type to ignore a person in need of for help.
He laughed mentally at his dumbness mentally and extended a hand for the boy to help him stand stood up.
Even though the boy looked like he was in a serious pain, he didn't want to show it and instead answered Chanyeol that he was fine when he the older (it would be better if you changed the 'he' because the readers might think that it was referring to the boy, not Chanyeol) asked if something was wrong.
Being the kind person he was, Chanyeol offered himself to help carry carrying the boxes and newspapers for the boy who (no need to put a dash for this) introduced himself as Luhan.
"The guy who's supposed to deliver these to the houses here quit quitted his job yesterday and everyone else have their hands full with other jobs already so I volunteered to do it."
Luhan smiled at him and told him that he'd call his boss right now and tell him that he had found someone who was willing to work for him.
Chapter 4:
He kept thinking of answers to the those questions which he would rather not ask the man in front of him.
'The men whom you hired using the money that you stole from my father,'
"You don't look very happy to see me. I was really looking forward to seeing see you again; I even came at this somewhat late hour just to see how you're doing,"
'He was extremely good at feigning innocence that if anyone listened to their conversation would think that Chanyeol was the bad guy.'
Though he did not specify a single question. This is a dependent clause, which still needs continuation or else it would seem unfinished. It is still related to the previous sentence so I think you just had to combine those two.
"Why?" Chanyeol managed to ask, though he did not specify a single question.
… and the list would go on and on, but he knows knew better than to ask all those questions, because he already knows knew the answers to them.
… Chanyeol told himself mentally as he saw Xiumin laughing at him; his laugh echoed through the empty streets and it sent shivers down his Chanyeol's spine. He admits admitted that he was dead scared of Xiumin at the moment, even if he had nothing more to lose.
His words were mocking Chanyeol and he the latter hated it.
He didn't know if Xiumin wanted to mess with him again and now that he knows about his whereabouts, Chanyeol doubts that Xiumin will just stay at home. I'm not quite sure that you could use the expression 'now' in the supposed-to-be past tense story. To avoid grammar mistake, I suggest you change it: 'He didn't know if Xiumin wanted to mess with him again, and he doubted that Xiumin would just stay at home if he already knew his whereabouts.'
He just hopes hoped that nothing serious was going to happen to him…
Luhan's sprained ankle wasn't in the best shape that morning. He didn't want to go to work, but it's it was not like he had a choice. He had to work daily if he wants wanted to get enough money to live and pay his rent with.
'Poor Chanyeol hyung is working on two jobs while I only have one and I'm slacking off, I'd off! (I think it would portray his frustration/guilty more if you put an exclamation mark, but you can use a semicolon if you find this unsuitable) I'd better work harder even (no need for dash here) if I have sprained my ankle,' He he (you ended the sentence inside quotation marks with a comma, so you cannot capitalized the first letter of the first word after that) tried to smile…
'How come I've never felt as tired as now, even though I've always walked across this very street every day…' He pouted as he gazed enviously at all the people who were crossing the streets on their feet with envy (this is not necessarily wrong but I think it would be better if you put the adjective on the front to avoid confusion at the end of the sentence)
He had a gentle smile on his face and he motioned for him Luhan to take his hand and stand up. "Is your foot okay? You looked like you were in pain while holding it," He he asked Luhan as the boy…
"It's just sprained; I'm fine," He Luhan didn't know why he did not like to receive help from anyone; he had always liked to depend on himself, even (the dash in unnecessary) if his foot was hurting like hell.
Chapter 5:
He couldn't help but hide behind a tree as he heard shouts and screams around him. He took a little peak from where he was standing and saw a couple…
He looked at the scene in front of him and he didn't know what he should do; should he interfere and make them stop beating him the boy? Or or should he just quietly sneak away so he would avoid getting himself tangled in other people's business?
And that Sehun guy really looked like he was in a need of a savior… You cannot start a sentence with an 'and' or any obvious conjunction. The idea is still related with the previous sentence so I suggest you to join them.
'He couldn't choose the latter as he had already mentioned how he couldn't just leave a person in need, and that Sehun guy looked like he was really in need of a savior…'
Chanyeol sighed as he hesitated to step out from his hiding place. He wasn't the best fighter in his previous gang so he doubts doubted that he'd be getting got away from there with barely a scratch on his face - even (put spaces if you are using a dash) though he had gotten self defense self-defense classes in Junior High.
You have lots of chapter so I could not write them all here, but basically your common mistakes are run-on sentences, tenses and punctuations, also a bit of capitalization problems. You tend to put everything at once inside a single sentence which is not quite pretty to look at. Keep it slow and steady when you write your sentences. I will give you an example from an excerpt of your story:
'He was about to turn around and resume his walk when he saw a very familiar looking guy hiding behind a bush, which didn't exactly hide his tall figure well.' The message was portrayed, alright, but I could not help but feel that it was being a bit rushed. Your sentence was too packed with stuff and words. Let's break it down a bit: 'He was about to turn around and resume his walk when he saw a very familiar looking guy hiding behind a bush. The shrub was fat and thick but not tall enough to hide his giant figure, making his wide eyes and messy brown hair visible on the top.
I'm not saying that you must follow this example because every person has their own writing style, but I just want you to know that you need to write slowly, no rushing; you do not have to put everything in one sentence - that might be the reason why you had so many run-on sentence though.
For run-on sentence, this depends on how you use the punctuations and conjunctions. It needs a lot of reading experiences as well to get this correctly and I, myself still having problems with it. To put it simply, you cannot write a sentence within a sentence. Confused? Well, we do know that a sentence is formed when you have at least subject+verb+object so once you fulfilled this, you need to give a full stop. However, a correct punctuation or conjunction will let you to have another subject+verb+object after that. The key is, do not use comma to join the sentences; it is either using semicolon (like what I did just now) or use a full stop. Keep in mind that the ideas of the two sentences need to be closely-related to each other when you use a semicolon. Use a comma when if you want to join a dependent clause with its independent one - for example: 'Even though he was tall, he could not see her.'
Other than that, your sentences were understandable and you only had a little problem with grammar. Your vocabularies were quite good and you have no problem with redundant words. It was just you tend to repeat the word 'he' to refer a person, even though at that particular scene there were many males there. You had to change it to a name, or something that could describe that certain person such as, 'the younger', 'the older', 'the brown haired man', or anything.
Just refer to the information above and I believe you could check your writings yourself, or maybe you could get yourself a beta-reader. She/he will check your story more accurately than mine.
Flow (7/10)
You chose a slow-paced story, I presume. It was not bad or anything and I think you like to give small details in each chapter that you could use later in the future, and that is why a slow-pace was quite necessary. I saw that you were pacing up a bit as Xiumin and Luhan moment now had involved a hug and I think that was a good timing, considering that you already had 21 chapters. Good work.
Overal Enjoyment (5/10)
I liked your characters and your plot, but to be very honest, your writing style is not that suitable for my liking. Your lot of run-on sentences were also bugging me when I read and that was not enjoyable. But I think you had a good, promising plot-line. This is just my personal opinion so of course you do not have to change your writing style; there will be a lot of people other than me who rather read your writings. Just keep your characters develop more and pace up your flow a bit and I think you will be fine.
Comments (5/5)
Your readers look like they love your story a lot, even fangirling over the ChaHun, XiuHan moments. Their reactions are all interesting and they seem to enjoy your fic a lot. Perfect points!
TOTAL 77/100
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